bathtime

[Dave]

Revision

I test the water with my foot.
Rather I test the temperature. It’s hot.
That is to say it rings alarm bells.

Now I wait.  

A veil of tension 
stretches between me
and dopamine wamth.  

There are things I could do:
sip on whiskey,
the glass is poured and waiting
on the enameled edge,
ice melting red into brown. 

Slip out of my robe,
let nakedness cool
whatever clothed the day. 

Sink into the layered strings,
Icelandic phrases stir my thoughts.

I wait. For the moment. The one I choose.

Original

I test the water with my foot.
Rather I test the temperature. It’s hot.
That is to say it rings alarm bells.

Now I must wait.  

A thin veil of invisible tension 
stretches between me
and an imagined moment
in which dopamine sinks down into warmth.  

There are things I could do:
sip on whiskey;
the glass is poured and waiting
on the enameled edge,
ice melting red into brown. 

Slip out of my robe,
let nakedness cool whatever disappointment clothed the day. 

Sink into the layered strings and piano
stirring Icelandic phrases among my thoughts.

I wait. For the moment. The one I chose.

[Matty11]

Hi Dave,
The sip/slip/sink options are cleanly set-up, the water tested, but still the hesitation - as if the tension cannot be released, the moment cannot be realised. I wondered if N. will ever chose or will always be trapped in the waiting.

best

Phil

[indar]

Hi Dave,

I find this a bit puzzling--The water is too hot so the N waits, looks forward to the moment in which the bath can be entered. I question the very non-experiential anticipation of dopamine. Dopamine is something we read about in health and science articles---what we experience is that feel-good rush.

The narrative progresses and I, the reader, am drawn in to an expectation of "the moment" ice cubes and cooling nakedness are in nice contrast to the too-hot water as is the Icelandic strings (who is the composer?) So I think the moment of "just right temperature" has arrived but the last line frustrates expectations. I agree with Phil it feels the N is trapped in a time warp---waiting. Good poem in the making about one of those finer moments in a day.

[Sharon Leigh]

Lovely show of controlled anticipation. There's lots to like, here. Not much to pick on, but for S5 L2, kind of a breathless run-on, a bit much, wondering if breaking into a 3rd S might be best? Just a thought.

Much enjoyed the read

Best,
Sharon

[Colm Roe]

It's about control. A very specific control.
He could run the cold tap to reduce the temperature...but that's giving control to the tap!
His day was a typical one with the usual constraints...he'll do this his way.
Nice read. 

[Tracy Mitchell]

Choosing your own moment - what an interesting idea.  The N has the water drawn, the whiskey poured, and the music playing.  The water is too hot and after reviewing options, N chooses to wait.  Waiting for water to cool -- not exactly like waiting for water to boil, but there is that parallel.  Both the reader and N know that if he does something else while waiting, then comes back, the water will have cooled too much.  So he waits for the perfect temperature to arrive.  We wait with him.  

Comments:

S.1 - wonderful opening.  No nits.

S.2 - The one line stanza is effective here, controlling the pace.  Please delete “must”.  The N chooses to wait, but not because he “must”.  

S.3 - Consider reworking L.1 - striking the adjectives would be sufficient (thin / invisible).  Also look at how “an imagined” functions in L.4.  “the moment” seems to work for your purposes.

S.4 - I can’t recall the last time I saw a colon, a semi-colon, a comma, and a period punctuating the same sentence.  No crit, just an observation.

S.5 - L.2 - best line of the poem - classic Duck! [Hang on to this line as a possible title for your collected works.]

S.6 - ‘layered strings’ works well.  No so for ‘layered strings and piano’ > plural/singular problem (like oranges and apple).  

S.7 - Love it.  Does ‘choose’ work better for the last word than ‘chose’ ?  

Just my opinions.  Use or lose, Dave.

Thanks for posting.

T
 

[Dave]

Thanks for all the meassages, comments, advice and confusions. I had thought for a couple of days this had fallen under the radar.
Matty - I wonder too.
Indar - the last line is a reflection of thwarted ideas and anticipation - the best time to step in the water is the imagined time.
Sharon - definitely worth a look
Colm - perceptive as always
and Tracy so much to take in but so good. I will post a revision just to test the effects
Dave

[Marc Gilbert]

Dave,

Quick reply to your reply. This one is taking time to digest and deserves more than a quick "I like it" kind of response.

A still digesting,

Marc

[Matty11]

hi Dave

Neatly trimmed and condensed.

Icelandic phrases stir my thoughts

Not really able to focus there.

best

Phil

 

[Dave]

Thannks Matty and Marc. the Islandic phrases are in the music.
Dave