Untitled

[midnightcandle]

.

Rachmaninov's 2nd fills this room
as that Brief Encounter hand-on-shoulder
moment plays on repeat in my mind.
January chills seep through open windows,
first spots of rain hit the glass then the sill
its tattoo picking up the rhythm
where piano notes waver and fade.
I'm at the station with you.
I long to move through smog,
board that last train, take my seat
and keep the best memories
but once a coward, always . . . ?

.

[Mark]

I'm thinking about how to fill in the last line blank... but what about cutting it...

I long to move through smog,
board that last train, take my seat
and keep the best memories.

The middle section is really well done, moody and atmospheric. We want the N to do what he has to, grasp the nettle, find the girl.

The opening is a little clunky maybe, with the caps and numbering. Suggie:

 Rachmaninov fills this room
as that brief hand-on-shoulder
moment plays repeat in my mind.

It's a good piece for sure. Maybe a little tinkering here and there. Thanks for posting.  


 

[indar]

I like the atmosphere of this piece. The sonics are spot on----- they are there but not contrived or
intrusive ( a problem I experience with my writing). 

The problem I'm having is with the narrative--is the N with one person but remembering a brief encounter with another? Does the N wish he or she would have followed the impulse to get on the train and follow the second but lacked the courage? 

Contrary to that oft misquoted statement music doesn't always have the power to soothe the savage breast (or beast) sometimes it stirs up trouble (Not certain Rachmaninov would ever do it for me).

Enjoyed the read

[Janet]

Nice to see how much you've developed your skills.

I wonder if you divided up the one stanza and/or numbered three what might happen?

ie.

1.
Rachmaninov's 2nd...

2
January chills...

3.
I long to...

You have these interesting vignettes.

Perhaps the new material you mention in the last two lines could be further developed.

[mfwilkie]

Nice bones! I like the imagery and mood you've created.

Here's my worksheet.

Rachmaninoff's 2nd Concerto for Piano fills this room
as a brief, hand-on-shoulder encounter repeats
in my mind.*                                                     * It would help if you chose which 2nd it was. It would enrich line and image.

January chills seep through open windows,
first spots of rain hit the glass then the sill
its tattoo picking up the rhythm

I'm at the station with you.              I'm at the station with you,
I long to move through smog,           longing to move through the smog,
                                                      board that last chance and take a seat.

board that last train, take my seat
and keep the best memories
but once a coward, always . . . ?

A suggested edit. Toss what doesn't work for you.

Rachmaninoff's 2nd Concerto for Piano fills this room
as a brief, hand-on-shoulder encounter repeats
in my mind...

                being at the station with you,
                longing to move through the smog—
                board my last chance to take a seat.

Notes waiver and fade in the background.

Maggie
 

[midnightcandle]

Its been a mad week for me. I will be back in promise. Thanks for the comments 😎

[Sharon Leigh]

Just to say I really enjoyed this. My comments echo many of what's already said here. Liked the economy, it's gently said but effective, not a hint of overwriting. Reads smooth. Thanks for sharing

Best,
Sharon