The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

.
Last week
their regal plumage
graced this man-made waterway,

kept us focused
on our slow,
sometimes apart
but mates for life
journey

instead of
barge-spilled oil,
shopping trolleys
and traffic cones.

Alone on the bank,
laughter howls
through leafless limbs
joining with gulls jeers

as we drift
apart
with no way
back.



.

There is much to like here - especially S 1 + S2 but for some reason that I can't pinpoint it feels like several poems stitched together looking for a meaningful finishing line. S3 is ver yawkward to read and the howls of laughter in all senses intrude , while the last stanza sad in itself appears a little forced. Maybe though it is just me and the first reading.
Dave

Worth working on mc. Tend to agree with Dave. Perhaps a more understated ending - one without jeers/laughter - would be an option. Perhaps shuffle and condense a little...

Alone on the bank,
the barge-spilled oil,
shopping trolleys
and traffic cones,
litter no way back.

best

Phil

This is wonderful, well-wrought and sad. S2 needs a little attention, I wonder if "separate" would work better, grammatically, in place of "apart"? Also, imo hyphens in "mates-for-life" will signify that it's to be a modifier for "journey". S3 is my favorite. S4, having both "laughter" and "jeers" in one short L is a bit ott, not a lot, but scaling back just a touch would actually strengthen and focus the thrust of that stanza imo. I hope no offense, all just this reader's thoughts, and you take or toss as needed

Thanks guys and girls. The problem with biographical writing is we get too close to it. Great suggestions though and I'll be back with a stronger edited poem. Take care while I'm gone