The swans have flown

[midnightcandle]

.
Last week
their regal plumage
graced this man-made waterway,

kept us focused
on our slow,
sometimes apart
but mates for life
journey

instead of
barge-spilled oil,
shopping trolleys
and traffic cones.

Alone on the bank,
laughter howls
through leafless limbs
joining with gulls jeers

as we drift
apart
with no way
back.



.

[Dave]

There is much to like here - especially S 1 + S2 but for some reason that I can't pinpoint it feels like several poems stitched together looking for a meaningful finishing line. S3 is ver yawkward to read and the howls of laughter in all senses intrude , while the last stanza sad in itself appears a little forced. Maybe though it is just me and the first reading.
Dave

[Matty11]

Worth working on mc. Tend to agree with Dave. Perhaps a more understated ending - one without jeers/laughter - would be an option. Perhaps shuffle and condense a little...

Alone on the bank,
the barge-spilled oil,
shopping trolleys
and traffic cones,
litter no way back.

best

Phil

[Sharon Leigh]

This is wonderful, well-wrought and sad. S2 needs a little attention, I wonder if "separate" would work better, grammatically, in place of "apart"? Also, imo hyphens in "mates-for-life" will signify that it's to be a modifier for "journey". S3 is my favorite. S4, having both "laughter" and "jeers" in one short L is a bit ott, not a lot, but scaling back just a touch would actually strengthen and focus the thrust of that stanza imo. I hope no offense, all just this reader's thoughts, and you take or toss as needed

[midnightcandle]

Thanks guys and girls. The problem with biographical writing is we get too close to it. Great suggestions though and I'll be back with a stronger edited poem. Take care while I'm gone