Clay Formed (a rework)

Post by **Marc Gilbert** » Sat Jan 20, 2018 9:04 pm

I would write this world small so I could grasp it.
I tire of failing. I tire of falling.
I could have, I should have,
I didn’t, I’m tired.

I stare at the ground, at my feet,
anywhere but forward, and rarely back.
I used to look up.

As a child, I built a castle of clay
and peopled it with plastic soldiers.
It was a wondrous thing,
ornate if not sturdy -
It crumbled in the sun
and fell to the feet of hard men.

From the ruins, I forged a mirror -
Everyone liked what they saw.
I played parrot and sang pop songs -
Everyone liked what they heard.

I would write myself over if I were able.
My arms tire under the mirror’s weight.
I have lost the voice for song.
Nobody’s smiling --
The world remains too large to grasp.

Mark · Post by **Mark** » Sun Jan 21, 2018 6:17 am

Moody and melancholic without self-pity. A requiem for a world perhaps unfound. I like this a lot, Marcus. Has a seasoned and mature tone that really appeals.

Post by **indar** » Sun Jan 21, 2018 10:41 am

Following a discussion of the poetry forms that demand repetition I thought about how repetition indicates some kind of obsession or fretting over something. I can see the application here at the beginning of this poem---something that might be carried through a little more. I tried repetition without the imposition of form in "Neglect" not a huge success but here is a link to a poem that uses non-formal repetition successfully.

https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/yesterday

We might want to consider a thread or forum for discussion of member's favorite poems/poets. I, for one, forget to read more than I write as is also necessary in the visual arts that require more looking than doing.

I can relate to this poem that, to me, comes under the heading of "Life Review"--always fertile ground.

Post by **Tracy Mitchell** » Sun Jan 21, 2018 11:02 am

Your Narrator paints with a broad brush in this introspective.
Personal, and yet very relate-able ruminations.
Everything seems to work except the opening line- great line, but the poem strikes me as about something different. If the first line were to disappear, the consider cutting the last two words of the last line as well. That would relieve the poem of some tell, IMHO.

Either way, nice poem.

T

Post by **Marc Gilbert** » Sun Jan 21, 2018 1:41 pm

Thanks, T.

I can't disagree in substance, but somehow trying the suggestions make it sound like someone else's voice. I agreed it's too tightly bookended. It's old, it can sit for a while and I can read it with new eyes later.

Thanks again,

Marc

Post by **Colm Roe** » Sun Jan 21, 2018 7:14 pm

Loved this Marc.
The opening line set it up so well.
Very sad, and I'm sure most readers can identify with it.

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Sun Jan 21, 2018 9:32 pm

Very much enjoyed Marc. Vivid images, an involving voice; individual, but not excluding.

Everyone liked what they heard.

An irony there since everyone liked the poem

best

Phil

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Mon Jan 22, 2018 7:23 am

Hi Marc
An engaging and interesting read and also for the comments Tom made. I can see the intention behind his comments and also the value. It is another poem and voice but makes the piece a more coherent whole.
Dave

Post by **Sharon Leigh** » Mon Jan 22, 2018 11:46 pm

Agreed with your other commentary, this is effective and actually quite familiar. I would venture to guess many people can relate, especially with the final S's. I like the tone, plainly voiced without over-writing, fits the piece well.

mfwilkie · Post by **mfwilkie** » Sat Jan 27, 2018 1:33 am

Marc, For this line,

I would write this world small so I could grasp it.

You might consider something like:

I would write this world small enough to grasp in hand.

Maggie

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