The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Original

I sought a spot, some unmanned space
designed or not by chance or grace
to rest my feet and slow the pace
of my racing mind.

I chanced upon a grove, untended
its natural beauty unamended
no other things that other men did
to populate my mind.

My eyes fell first upon a wren
I knew not whether cock or hen
a question no, a puzzle then
to occupy my mind.

I ravaged through my recollection
my thoughts flew swiftly in succession
in no control of their progression --
I think I’ve lost my mind.

Revised

I sought a spot, some unmanned space
designed or not by chance or grace
to rest my feet and slow the pace
of my racing mind.

I chanced upon a grove, untended
its natural beauty unamended
a quiet place just as intended
to pacify my mind.

My eyes fell first upon a wren
I knew not whether cock or hen
a question no, a puzzle then
to occupy my mind.

I rifled through my recollection
my thoughts flew swiftly in succession
in no control of their progression --
I think I’ve lost my mind.

(maybe ?)

Ha ha cracker poem! I didn't count syllables but the internal read-beat bopped along just right, the cadence slick as cold beer on a hot day.  Great fun, enjoyed!
Erm, quite or quiet?  

Thanks, Mark,

Leave it to misspell the f'n title. Not a fan of the title, or titles in general, anyway.

The crafting is great - lot of effort to make it seem so effortless, I'm sure. Must be a real right brain - left brain thing for you here between the digital and the lyrical...

I know how much everyone loves rhyme and repetition so I thought I'd cram in as much as I could

Hi Marc, a fun little ditty, I was writing my reply & had to run right in the middle of it so Mark already alerted you re: title. A couple tiny things:

Marc Gilbert wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 19, 2018 1:40 pm

I sought a spot, some unmanned space
designed or not by chance or grace
to rest my feet and slow the pace
of my racing mind.

I chanced upon a grove, untended
its natural beauty unamended
no other things that other men did < meter strained a bit here imo
to populate my mind.

My eyes fell first upon a wren
I knew not whether cock or hen
a question, no a puzzle then < comma after "no" maybe?
to occupy my mind.

I ravaged through my recollection < use of adjective "ravaged" as a verb here threw me off, maybe something active like "rifled" or some such?
my thoughts flew swiftly in succession
in no control of their progression --
I think I’ve lost my mind. < Lol! Maybe "I thought" to keep w previous tense? Idk

The poem seems almost like it's missing a stanza though, between S3 & 4, since 3 starts with "my eyes fell first" etc, sets up to expect an S with "Next I saw a blah blah blah", if I'm making sense? Just a thought:)

Thanks for the run read!

Best,
Sharon

Thanks, Sharon,

The "other things" line was a pain, not surprised it shows. Not sure here. I like the strong cesura lent by "that" and the repeat of "other"s. I'll have to work on this one.

Punctuation and I do not get along. I'll move the one by the "no". Thanks. I intentionally left punctuation off of the line ends to avoid distraction. This kind of leads to your last point.

The only line-end punctuation is the em-dash before the change of tense. That shift is intentional. It is intended as a direct statement to the reader from the N in the here and now. Now, that doesn't mean it's a good idea or effective. I had a thought to break the line off on its own, but that kind felt wrong. But there is a division there (or I want one to be from the reflection leading to the present)

Hope this doesn't sound like a defense. You hit on the exact things I struggled the most with. The careful read is much appreciated.

Marc

No problem, Marc... I see your point regarding your final line, and it def still works that way, I agree I know you know what's best for your poem

Thanks, Sharon, I definitely do not always know whats best. I do always have a purpose, unless, like the title and the misplaced comma, I just screwed up.

That does not mean that purpose was achieved, or if it's a good idea. The feedback is extremely valuable and desired. Always.

Marc

PS: "the other men did" line is a problem. Grrrr. not an easy fix. - Thanks, guys.

Let me know if the revision works betta