Untitled

[Marc Gilbert]

These trees obscure my vision.
The night is cold and clear.
I know this by inference and
the moon’s reflection
on snow covered branches
that barely move.

The heat in this room is stifling.
the windows, double-paned,
locked against all manner of intrusion,
even the air dare not enter.

Downstairs
there are couches and afghans,
Netflix on an oversized TV 
I never watch.

If I did,
It’d be a show about nature,
“Life in the Arctic”, 
or, “Birds of the North”.  

[Sharon Leigh]

Hi Marc,


A resignation here, interesting in its outward show of coziness, but with the n's dissatisfaction coming through strong, esp in S2. Okay what I noticed was that this almost reads as two separate poems, the second 2 stanzas have a distinctly different tone than the first two. Neither in a bad way, just different: 1st two more poetic, 3 & 4 more conversational. Perhaps intentional? I like the opening line a lot, the first two lines in fact. Like the first 2 stanzas, really. Wonder if you even need the second 2? A few tiny suggestions, take or toss of course:

These trees obscure my vision. < I instantly loved this line
The night is cold and clear.
I know this by inference and <was confused by "inference" until S2
the moon’s reflection
on snow covered branches
that barely move.

The heat in this room is stifling, < full stop here stifles even better, imo
the windows, double-paned; < a comma I think?
Locked against all manner of intrusion, < misplaced cap on "locked"
even the air dare not enter. < love it

Downstairs
there are couches and afghans,
Netflix on an oversized TV 
I never watch.

If I did,
It’d be a show about nature,
“Life in the Arctic”, 
or, “Birds of the North”.  

I don't have much to say about these final 2 stanzas. They're not bad, just unnecessary imo. I hope no offense, just letting it all out as this reader sees it!

Thanks for sharing!
Best,
Sharon

[Marc Gilbert]

Sharon,

Thanks for the careful read and kind comments. My first instinct was to stop at S2. I was afraid my inclination to short, short poems was getting the better of me. I'm glad the first 2 are enough to carry the theme. I appreciate the spot and the feedback. I'm going to take your punctuation whole cloth; Another thanks.

Oh, never worry about offending. Honest feedback is much needed and appreciated. Hell, it's what we're here for.

Marc 
 

[indar]

Downstairs
there are couches and afghans,
Netflix on an oversized TV 
I never watch.

If I did,
It’d be a show about nature,
“Life in the Arctic”, 
or, “Birds of the North”.  

Hi Marc,

I like that the N infers from the state of the tree branches that it is one of those nights--absolutely crackling cold. Then there is that extreme on the other end of the overheated, all-the-air-dried out-of-the-room environment (forced air furnace no doubt) we create by over-controlling nature. The third element of the poem---downstairs reiterates the inferred experience of nature via the TV. The N apparently doesn't even want to think about the cold, cruel  natural world.

I wonder if "solidifying" the last part of this poem would help keep an even "weight" throughout. 

Downstairs couches and afghans
face an oversized TV, no doubt
another unwatched Netflix show
about nature: "Life in the Arctic" 
or some poor "Birds of the North"

Wow that did turn out to be a solid block. Just a suggestion of course--I don't know why I seem to want to see this finish up with less air in it. I feel your pain.

Sincerely,
Ex-Minnesotan
 

[Marc Gilbert]

Thanks a ton, Indar.

You have nailed much of the sense of it. I read somewhere that a poet explaining their own poem seems to be no-no generally. I guess if it needs an explanation it doesn't work. But given this is a workshop, I think it's ok.

If I were reading this and not the poet, I'd want to ask, "Why the hell don't you just go outside". At least that is the question, as the poet, I'd love to be planting in the readers head. It may explain why the last two stanzas are there.

I don't know if this helps or hurts, but it lets you know where my head is/was at the time.

Thaks again,

Marc

(edited for clarity)

[indar]

Explaining a poem seems to be no-no generally.

Oh, I apologize if I overstepped--I guess I imposed my take on your ending. However I do know why the N doesn't go outside (Minnesota---remember?)

[Marc Gilbert]

Explaining a poem seems to be no-no generally.Oh, I apologize if I overstepped--I guess I imposed my take on your ending. However I do know why the N doesn't go outside (Minnesota---remember?)

No, no. I'm sorry. I read somewhere that a poem should stand on its own. I was referring to my own explanation, not your extremely useful comments. I'll reword the reply to make it clearer.

Again, I apologize for the misunderstanding.

[indar]

[Mark]

Well, I've fiddled with it as a way of commenting but I have my doubts about my changes. It has a certain style stopping where it does as suggested by someone else too. But now another vital contrast is missing so I dunno. The TV programs. Somehow the poem manages to be sinister, in a subtle way. Maybe we are wondering what the N does instead of watching TV... strong writing, Marcus.

Slow trees obscure my vision.
The night is cold and clear.
I know this by inference and
by the moon’s refraction
on snow covered branches
that can barely move.

The heat in this room is stifling.
the windows double-glazed,
locked against all intrusion,
even the air dares not enter.

Downstairs
there are couches and afghans,
Netflix on an oversized TV 
I never watch.

[Marc Gilbert]

Thanks Mark,

Love getting your take. This one needs to stew. It’s the first new one in a while and for that alone I’m happy.