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Fade

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Colm Roe
Posts: 2895
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Fade

Post by Colm Roe » Tue Jan 16, 2018 7:16 pm

Thanks all.
I know there's an 'ing' there. And it's a crime to use it. 

The tree swayed, its gentle sway comforted me.
The tree swayed, its gentle swaying comforted me. 

There's an 'ing' there, but I still prefer #2.

If a publisher said I could make €50 if I changed it I'd switch  :)  Yeah, I'm a cheap date.
And I know 'chance' is repeated; I think the second one shows that that specific morning was his last chance.
If a publisher....
So, I like it as it is, but the more I read your comments (like T's remove the 2nd 'chance' line) the more I'm inclined to edit it. But I won't for now. 
One thing I discovered when I moved my 'Starting afresh' poem here, that I was more critical, and edited it...like I was submitting it for publication. So I think this is going to be a very good place for me.

And Linda,
I'd like to believe it's not a fluke...but give enough monkeys enough time  :)
Enough about this poem!
 

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Marc Gilbert
Posts: 145
Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:02 am
Location: Chicago, USA
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Re: Fade

Post by Marc Gilbert » Wed Jan 17, 2018 8:09 pm

He watched her fade
into the morning mist,
its low lying sulk on the lake
bled thinner across the road,
then soft focused the shadowed pines
freeze framed, until the day's virgin heat
prompted their gentle swaying.   <-The additional accents feel too strong and the descriptor adds little
 
Dawn, the time for last chances,
one more last chance. <- maybe "one, and no more" in this case I think the repeat of no adds something, but I'm weird.
No words required in a warm bed, 
just an arm's reach across the divide,
a touch they both craved,
frozen in shadows
before the fade.

-------

So much for suggestions. It's a lovely, lovely piece and a pleasure to read.
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

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