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Keeping Count
Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 3:46 pm
by Marc Gilbert
Original
We count on others,
we count the breaths between words
and hope to find the missing parts of our meaning.
Those, the uncountable,
we number them as we number tears
or their causes.
We connect,
it's a trick of chemistry.
What comes after are willful decisions,
pushes and pulls in which we set limits,
bind, break, or seek sparks of excitement.
Duty is love in the form of a promise,
busy work for the soul,
a lie perhaps, perhaps worth believing.
Life is too short to be spent counting tears.
Revised
We count the breaths between words
and hope to find the missing parts--
Those, the uncountable,
we number them as we number tears.
We connect,
it's a trick of chemistry.
the pushes and pulls in which we set limits,
bind, break, or seek sparks of excitement.
Duty is love in the form of a promise,
busy work for the soul,
a lie perhaps, perhaps worth believing.
Re: Keeping Count
Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 6:40 pm
by Colm Roe
Nice poem Marc.
'Soul' isn't used in contemporary poetry, like 'heart', as in 'broke my'.
It was explained to me why this is...but I forget most things.
I think it's because they don't exist, and even if they did it's generic, lazy and 'telling'.
They add virtually nothing to a poem.
I still enjoyed the read.
Re: Keeping Count
Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 6:51 pm
by Tracy Mitchell
I like the ambition of this poem -- the subject is aggressively defined. I also like how the writer could have stopped at the end of S1 and called it a poem. The substance of what follows is well worth the risk.
I would suggest consider a paring down, something along these lines:
We count on others,
we count the breaths between words
and hope to find the missing parts of our meaning.
Those, the uncountable,
we number them as we number tears
or their causes.
We connect,
it's a trick of chemistry.
What comes after are willful decisions,[follows]
[amount to] pushes and pulls in which we set limits,
bind, break, or seek [set off] sparks of excitement.
Duty is love in the form of a promise,
busy work for the soul,
a lie perhaps, perhaps worth believing.
Life is too short to be spent counting tears.
- - -
Just my thoughts - use or lose, as you choose.
T
Re: Keeping Count
Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 7:45 pm
by Colm Roe
A better finish might be
'Life is too short to be spent counting tears.
Re: Keeping Count
Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2018 6:46 am
by Mark
It's a very nice poem, quite skillfully done. Some Hallmark elements perhaps but that is a sometimes a, er, hallmark of your writing. I do agree some paring down would benefit the piece along with a rewrite of the last line.
Re: Keeping Count
Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2018 4:11 pm
by Marc Gilbert
Thanks. Already had some trimming in the works. You guys solidified much of it. I'll be be at it.
Re: Keeping Count (revised)
Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2018 7:44 pm
by Marc Gilbert
We count the breaths between words
and hope to find the missing parts--
Those, the uncountable,
we number as we number tears.
We connect,
it's a trick of chemistry.
the pushes and pulls in which we set limits,
bind, break, or seek sparks of excitement.
Duty is love in the form of a promise,
busy work for the soul,
a lie perhaps, perhaps worth believing.
Re: Keeping Count
Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2018 10:23 pm
by Sharon Leigh
Okay I'm going to drive you crazy but I have to be honest. I liked the first version better, the revision has lost something for me. Not bad, just, flatter, I guess? Because the title and the thrust of the piece is "Keeping Count", I felt you could keep L1. I did wonder at counting breaths or tears (because no one really does that) but of course poetic license
Since I like V1 better I'm going to place my comments there. Of course you should listen to Tracy et al over me though! This is only just my take through my lens and you bin it all if you see fit
Marc Gilbert wrote: ↑Sun Jan 14, 2018 3:46 pm
Original
We count on others,
we count the breaths between words < could remove this 2nd "we" & comma after words
and hope to find the missing parts of our meaning. < could remove "and"
Those, the uncountable,
we number them as we number tears
or their causes.
We connect,
it's a trick of chemistry. < love this! I often think this :/
What comes after are willful decisions, < "follows" instead of comes after?
pushes and pulls in which we set limits,
bind, break, or seek sparks of excitement.
Duty is love in the form of a promise, < like this too
busy work for the soul, < here, "soul" doesn't cringe me. Usually does though.
a lie perhaps, perhaps worth believing. < not loving repeated "perhaps"
Life is too short to be spent counting tears.
< yes it is
Revised
We count the breaths between words
and hope to find the missing parts--
Those, the uncountable,
we number them as we number tears.
We connect,
it's a trick of chemistry.
the pushes and pulls in which we set limits,
bind, break, or seek sparks of excitement.
Duty is love in the form of a promise,
busy work for the soul,
a lie perhaps, perhaps worth believing.
I hope I didn't make you pull your hair out!
Thanks for posting it
Best,
Sharon
Re: Keeping Count
Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 7:50 am
by Marc Gilbert
Sharon,
You're a gem. We're are so lucky you're here.
I liked the first version better too.
S1:
L2: Am ambivalent about the "we" - the consensus is to drop it, and I trust you guys are right.
L3: Is a result deeply ingrained formalist leanings.: the iamb lets the sound glide into the line. Dropping the "and" makes it almost spondaic and sound rough on my ear. ) Not a defense, but an explanation.
S2, L3 - "follows" is a much better choice - thanks.
Thanks again for the feedback and the careful read.
Marc
Re: Keeping Count
Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 8:14 am
by Tom
As you see, there is a penalty to be paid for following my advice.