Unhinged

[Marc Gilbert]

Unhinged and unhampered
by shut door sanity
and safe rooms

I will write my name in chalk
or chisel it in concrete.

My mark by my hand,
straight and unjacketed

no toe-curled scrawling
on padded walls

with crayons from a tiny box
where every color is red.

[Matty11]

Hooked by some of the ingredients in this Marc.

with crayons from a tiny box
where every color is red.

Like the definite in that.

I will write my name in chalk
or chisel it in concrete.

Here, there is choice, which dilutes the intensity? The first option suggests transience; the second option conveys permanence.

Unhampered by shut door
sanity and safe rooms

Just a thought for symmetry and because the title already pins the perspective.

best

phil

[Sharon Leigh]

Liking this, v palpable sense of freedom and relief from n. Like and second Phil's findings here (I know, it's lazy to just point up and say "what he said!" But I genuinely agree! ) I wonder if it could use one more S, closing the poem with an S of release, to contrast against the limitation of the box of tiny, all-red crayons (strong!) As it stands now, as a reader I'm left with a lingering feeling of constraint, as opposed to the subject of the piece. But perhaps that's what you intended?

All in all, much enjoyed

Best,
Sharon

[Marc Gilbert]

Thanks guys! I'll work on it.

Phil, your idea for the open is perfect.

Sharon, yours it a bit scarier, not that I disagree, but I'm not sure how to get there. Maybe another stanza?

[Dansinger]

That brings back memories from a time (long ago) I'd much rather forget. Shivers down my spine.

[Colm Roe]

Really enjoyed this. 
Excuse my proposed edit.

Unhinged and unhampered
by locked doors                    The doors aren't just shut. And 'sanity' isn't required IMO.
and safe rooms

I will write their names in chalk        
or chisel them in concrete.      He'll be ok, or will kill again (of course he will). Don't care if I'm wrong...but I love this.     

My mark by my hand,
straight, without a jacket              'unjacketed' sounded awkward to my ears.                 

no toe-curled scrawling                 There's an 'ing' here, and you could just say 'scrawl'...but the ing IMO is better.
on padded walls

with crayons from a tiny box
where every color is red.               Super finish.

[Marc Gilbert]

Thanks, Colm, 

Working a revision. "Unjacketed" is intentional - I want it to be something that was done to him. "Without a jacket makes it a choice." - not quibbling, just trying to convey intent.

The poem needs work and this will help.

Thank you.

[mfwilkie]

A thought on your opening, Marc:


Unhinged and unhampered
by shut door sanity
and safe rooms

Unhinged and unhampered
by shut door safety
and sanity rooms

Maggie

 

[Marc Gilbert]

Thanks, Maggie,

Rethinking the opening. this will help.