The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

A thin circle of light,
A light ring of gold,
like an eye, empty.
Follow its smoothness with your index
Round and round and round forever.
Forever smooth
Forever gold
Forever light
Forever closed.
Slip it around your finger
Like a whisper.
conjugal chains forever.

The repetition as it develops is effective - chant-like.
Good contrast of the last line, and well set up!
I notice the cadence match with "Strawberry Fields Forever" - but not the same thing, for certain.


T

Oh I like the brevity here, and the way this reads, smooth as the subject. The 4 "forever"s almost foreboding, but that may just be my bias

Much enjoyed

A thin circle of light,
A light ring of gold,
like an eye, empty.
Follow its smoothness with your index

Can't add much to the comments already made but wonder if "like an eye, empty" suggests that all eyes are empty sort of zombie-like. Might read better as an "empty eye". This particular eye is vacant--empty of those things we associate with marriage

Can't add much that hasn't been said. I like this very much. I agree with Linda, on "empty, eye". You lose the subtle hammer fall, of the brief pause, but the change would contribute to the overall poem and retain a very pleasant sound to that line.

Thank you for the feedback. I'll think about an empty eye, not sure it would fit the rhythm though (too short)..

I like it also, even more so on subsequent readings. The last line gives a nice jolt.

Nothing to add to the other comments but a thumbs up.

A really interesting read. I liked this a lot. The word choice is intriguing in places. Index as opposed to finger, for example. I know finger crops up later on and that repetition is probably unwanted, but index did jump out as an unusual word to have in a poem. Slipping the ring "around" the finger as opposed to "on" had another interesting effect. Around, again a more unusual choice, really creates a more suffocating atmosphere.

Thanks for the read!

Eyes are totally overrated!
Look at an eye. It's cool.
Now look at an eye that's been removed from a corpse...it looks exactly the same!
It's the lids, lashes, brows and facial muscles that create the impression. 
So I like the 'empty eye' line.
And I always assumed that a ring implied conjugal rights...
until I was told that scientists discovered a food that put women off sex...wedding cake