Leaf Blowing Alternatives---Revised

[skylightgreg]

If you whistle 
to the autumn leaves
then watch their shadows
fly away,
just their tint and shine
will remain:
a sunlit symphony of
needled shape
and
color.

[Dave]

I would drop the last line if the poem were mine as the leaves are more beautiful if not butterflies but leaves

[skylightgreg]

Hmmmm.   I could go with a different metaphor to go with lighted leaves that sticks closer to the leafiness, but I definitely cannot leave the poem high and dry.  It needs a transformative image of lighted leaves to close it off.

I love your feedback and learn a lot from it.  I'll play with another metaphor to see what happens!

Great writing last go 'round in Fives, by the way.

[Dave]

I can understand your argument but the new metaphor robs the original idea of its value. What actually is the nature of that shine as pertaining to leaves. Butterflies have another quality of their own. So, yes give it a go. 
Glad the feedback helps. I am enjoying your poetry and we need willing and able poets like yourself willing to take those risks here.

Dave

[skylightgreg]

This new feedback really clarifies the issue at hand.  I want to emphasize the light in the leaves, now i see why the luminescent butterflies don't work.  Thank-you!

When feedback is specific to a particular poem, or a few poems, I'm able to learn and grow.  I call it the Martin Seligman effect.  Hope you are enjoying a wonderful New Year!

[Tracy Mitchell]

This narrative is alluring and invites engagement.  

Playful title, works well.

L.2 – “the” – delete

L.3 – first of 2 “their” in three lines.  
L.5 – Maybe change “their” to “a” to eliminate the repeat. It also opens the offer, I think.
L.6 – “will remain”  to “remains”; just a thought–more immediate
L.7-8 – “a sunlit symphony / needled shape. . .”  Marvelous!

Cheers

T