The Walls of Alhambra

[skylightgreg]

You are hanging upside down
from the branch
of an elm tree,
blonde hair dangling
in the sunlight
like honeyed strands
of jewelry
forming loops
upon loops
of formal Arabic,
each phrase shaped
so beautifully.

Oceans of air
breathe through
our exchange,
transporting us
down the river,
Darro, by way
of boat.

We reach the court
of Alhambra,
its walls a ruddy
red, imitations
of us, steeped
in our own
passion and fear.

You walk to the
emerald reflecting pool,
eager to dampen
your face.

The blonde of your hair
trends blue like the sky
as the waters stretch
each strand into a
transcendant place,
the interior walls
of the palace 
calling your name,
inviting you to partake
in the ecstasy of the plunge.

But you refuse to enter.

The intricate calligraphies of Arabic
announce a kingdom
of the linguistic ethereal.

You are deaf
to the trumpet call,
marching straight toward
the palms.
In an instant your hair
is up in smoke,
proclaiming
your own resounding
sudden disappearance.

I close my eyes and recede
into the shallow caves
of Wadi Rum and Petra.

A cosmopolitan man,
I will always be a traveler,
a wanderer.

But I know my tribe,
and my tribesmen
are pleased,
alhamdulilah.

Humbled by the light
of loyalty,
they breathe
gratitude if not hope
and assurance.

[Gyppo]

I thought I'd replied to this earlier, but it looks as if I forgot to hit send.  So I'll try again.

Greg, 

What a feast of imagery to enjoy. Very visual.

Your description of the 'looping hair' brought back a memory of my own, a red-haired girl hanging upside down from a swing, her hair lightly brushing the dusty ground beneath.  Thanks for minding me of that day.

Gyppo

[skylightgreg]

Thank-you Gyppo.  I happy that the imagery connected.

I would love to have a daughter with tangles of long red hair.  Maybe in the next life.  

cheers,

greg

[Colm Roe]

So much to enjoy here. Especially the way the N is so absorbed by 'her', and by the magnificence of it all that he's transported back to Jordan.
'Her' obliviousness to it all is so charming 

[indar]

Wonderful write, Greg--mystical, and I was all in. This one little section bumped me out a bit:

 each strand into a
transcendant place,
as if the interior walls
of the palace were
calling your name,
inviting you to partake
in the ecstasy of the plunge.

I think the "as if" is the first simile in an otherwise richess of imagery. I would love to see it as an image rather than an "as if". You definitely belong on TTB, my friend.

 

[skylightgreg]

Thanks Indar.

I totally agree that the 'as if' is entirely unnecessary and distracts from the arc of the narrative.  I'll change it!

[Dave]

Hey Greg
Your poems continue to be absorbing, intelligent and imaginative. I would still consider the number of modifiers you employ. The poem moves both physically and emotionally whne you use strong verbs rather than adjectives though some work excellently as in line "honeyed". Sometimes I think you add one or two details too many which then detract from a stronger accompanying image. Something you could consider: e.g.

You are hanging upside down
from an elm, (branch is an irrelevant detail)
blonde hair dangling,
honeyed strands (the sun adds fact but nothing to the power of the image)
forming loops
upon loops
of formal Arabic,
each phrase shaped (into beauty . perhaps)
so beautifully. - I don' have a suggestion but "beautifully" is too generic a tell to finish the stanza, maybe just cut it.

The second thing I think you could play with to see what effect it would have is line length and endings. This is very chopped for a flowing poem, which slows the poem down IMO. Essentially this prose in poetic editing.

So, for example,
You are hanging upside down from an elm
blonde hair dangling honeyed strands
forming loops upon loops of formal Arabic,
each phrase shaped so beautifully.

[skylightgreg]

Thanks so much for all of the thoughtful feedback, Dave.

I'll keep all of your suggestions in mind as I shift my focus to "Fives", which is just around the corner.  Once that marathon is over, I'll go back to the poems posted here.

I think the ideas you have presented would be echoed by any creative writing professor.  I'm just not accustomed to receiving good feedback, so it will take me a little time to get these concepts hard-wired into my brain.