The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Woah.  It took me a while to get my head around this. 
Very cerebral, melancholic, even a bit regretful. 
Love the leaf flutter image as turning point.

One nit-- the first line feels real iffy.  I think it continues to get me off on the wrong foot. 
The musing >> revelation of lines 2-6 don't seem to be advanced by the first line.
Unless I have this wrong, which is always a 50/50 thing.

T



 

Dave, I understand the sentiment, know the feeling.  If I'm lucky I may see my Grandaughter grow up, but statistically I'm unlikely to ever see any great grandchildren.

Tracy may have a point about the relationship of the first line to the rest.  I tried reading it aloud and it doesn't quite gel for me.  It's almost as if you're saying the same thing in two slightly different ways, as if you have two first lines vying for supremacy.

I don't normally recast anyone's lines, it feels wrong to take a liberty with someone else's flow, but if I may be excused this time, how about something like this?  Still all your own words, just a few taken out and the rest cast a little differently.  Please feel free to ignore.

=====

I wish I couldn't envisage a line of days 
drawn from today to a single end moment,
whose breathless nudge,
and leaf flutter in azure above my head
seal the fate of an idea: perhaps I won’t
live long enough to see my grandchildren grown.

===

Gyppo

Thanks for the good will, the pertinent comments, for recognizing that the first line was indeed a different start to the poem and needs ditching. Gyppo love what you have done with this. Elegant.
Dave