death seen through a telescope

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Sun Oct 16, 2022 11:18 am

a hole in the ocean swallowed my father.
I hung a hand over the side of a boat,
silent witness. the sky could not invent
colour so there was no pain, no sorrow.

when I stepped into the water
there were no horizons, only distance,
now all living beings begin to disappear
into the lines trickling across my palm.

as Jesus knew only too well it's magic
humans crav: watered wine, a body
in a tree, fingers threaded through
bloodied hands like sun rays part clouds,

I expect a staircase to heaven.
but worry some day I may fall asleep
waiting for a bus, and night falls
before there is time to wake.

AlienFlower · Post by **AlienFlower** » Wed Oct 19, 2022 12:13 pm

I'm still reading this, Dave, but the last stanza is a keeper—every word works (except I'd tweak the tense for "falls").

Jackie

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 9:18 am

Thanks fot the comment and suggestion. Will seriously consider.
Dave

Post by **Colm Roe** » Sun Oct 23, 2022 7:18 pm

Typo on S3 L2.
This is a bloody good poem, Dave.
S1 is absolutely sublime, like the perspective is in S2
and the humanity in the concluding stanzas.
Has to be in Dave's Top Ten. Hope it reaches the audience it deserves.
Fantastic poeming.

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Mon Oct 24, 2022 12:53 am

Excellent Dave

AlienFlower · Post by **AlienFlower** » Fri Oct 28, 2022 9:45 am

Love the poem, Dave.

I don't think the title does it justice, though.

Jackie

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Mon Oct 31, 2022 11:09 am

Thanks for the comments and kindnesses - Colm you exaggerate in the best possible way. Alienflower I am not married to the title so would be no loss. I could take the first line or other. Not so good at titles.
Dave

Gyppo · Post by **Gyppo** » Mon Oct 31, 2022 3:20 pm

Dave,

If you're going to change the title the first line would be good.

But how about just the first five words.

A hole in the ocean poses a question. Water doesn't, generally speaking, have holes. It's an enticing and intriguing premise which I suspect many potential readers would feel compelled to investigate. If I saw it amongst a list of other titles I'd want to know where it led.

Gyppo

Mark · Post by **Mark** » Mon Oct 31, 2022 3:55 pm

It is a good piece. I like the tone and texture of the writing except for S3. That seems to belong somewhere else. I would cut it altogether. Also something about the ending seems a bit jumbled.

a hole in the ocean swallowed my father.
I hung a hand over the side of a boat,
silent witness. the sky could not invent
colour so there was no pain, no sorrow.

when I stepped into the water
there were no horizons, only distance,
now all living beings begin to disappear
into the lines trickling across my palm.

I expect a staircase to heaven.
but worry some day I may fall asleep
waiting for a bus, and night falls
before there is time to wake.

I expect a staircase to heaven.
but worry some day I may fall asleep
waiting for a bus, and find dark
night has fallen when I wake.

night has fallen while I slept.

The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

For writers and readers of poetry