The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Attempted alternative

Amazed

I cease to barrel headlong. 
Stop, watch 

an ant haul a beetle through sand
as they are wont to do.

Later I kick bed clothes away
let my skin cool into the night

until I draw you closer, feel
your thoughts seep into my breathing.

Original

Amaze

my mind has ceased to barrel headlong 
given this gift

this ant hauling a beetle through sand
driven by zeal.

I do cry still at simple generosity,
astonished people care

folding and unfolding themselves
and their better valour and worst doubt

as I do at night wrapped in bed clothes
then kicked free of entrapment

as I cool and warm to life and its wonders.
 

Dave,

I really love this poem. The first seven lines are absolutely perfect. I get foggy at "and their better valour and worst doubt." I think it is a little vague/lofty. Maybe you could be more specific as you are with the rest of the lines.

The last lines are just as perfect as the first lines. Great analogy: "wrapped in bed clothes
then kicked free of entrapment." I can relate to the night entanglement.

And I especially love "as I cool and warm to life and its wonders." Very succinctly written with excellent word choice.

Kate

Hey Kate
Thanks for the comments. First of all, I am happy that anyone at all is here on the sight. Secondly, I am delighted to see you back here again it has been a long while. Thirdly, I ma so happy you like the poem and totally in agreement about the weak line you picked out. That needs fixing. I hope we see your writing here very soon.
Dave
 

Dave,

What a wonderful writing.  I also hung up at S.4, but for perhaps different reasons.  It unexpectedly departs from the engaging form of the first three stanzas.  A simple change you may not like would be to substitute for S.4 L.2 these words: "as they are wont to do". That may tie the thread to the last stanza more tightly in several ways.  Maybe that's not a good move, I don't know, but it is what occurred to me.  

The poem is engaging on many levels.

T

Thanks Tracy
For the moment I have tried to shift the emphasis of the poem in another direction to see what happens