The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

I know, I don't deserve a poem critique because I have been MIA pretty much since this site was founded. But I am asking anyway. My mother passed away, and we "kids" have been asked to write something to read at the graveside service this weekend. This is my poem for her. It needs help. I promise to return the critiquing as soon as the week is over. Thank you guys! (I don't know how to make the font bigger.)
 
Mother

You are smiling, happy, in every memory
I have of you – a woman who wakes
each day in-step with what comes her way.

Except that time in the kitchen
when I saw you grab your forehead
and wail. I thought you’d hit your head
on the open cabinet door, but it was more –  
your oldest two teens were seen smoking cigarettes.
Mothers suffer in ways others of us never know.

But mostly I remember weekend calls –
when do I stir egg whites into spoonbread,
can I wear white shoes in the fall, would
green beans be okay to bring to the holiday
spread? You were pre-Google personified.
We chatted like girlfriends because, after all,
you were my best friend. The woman of eternal joy
cried cleaning my room when I left, like I did
when I learned. Like I did when you left.

I remember your answer to a friend’s question: No,
you had never once considered leaving Dad.  
Who married among us can say that? Make-believe
Barbie and Ken? But you were relentlessly happy.

Late in life you lost your husband, and then
your oldest daughter. And then
your mind. Perhaps the world flashing
its sour side after seven decades of deceit
was more than you could abide. Still,
the memories you leave scattered among us
sparkle like winking stars in this long night sky.

Kate.

If you think you can read these words aloud at her funeral then don't even try to change it.  Seriously.

Funeral poems aren't about literary perfection, they're 'gut level' stuff.  Family  and friends will smile at parts of it and that will be because they're remembering her too.  She sounds like a fine lady.

It flows well enough without any tampering or fine tuning.  But, and I speak from experience, read it through several times out loud to yourself, so you know which bits may catch at your emotions.  Easier to handle if you know where the sticking points are.

Better to read it slowly, with a few hesitations if they happen, than gabble through it as if it's a chore to be got through as quickly as possible.

Take a few deep breaths before you start, and then savour the memories as you share them with the other guests.

If you imagine you are talking to your Mum, rather than an audience, it may help.

=====

From a practical viewpoint - and this will help on the day - print it big enough to be easy to read.  Especially if your eyes get a bit misty.  I reckon this will take two sides of a sheet of paper.  Print it on both sides of a single sheet, and don't let any verse run over to the second side.  That's right, let the break between verses come during the turning over of the sheet.

Using one sheet avoids any chance of one getting dropped, and a single sheet won't rustle and rattle if your fingers get a bit trembly at some point.

Hold the paper at chest height, so you can read it easily without talking down to your feet.

When you're reading something as personal as this aloud presentation is more important than perfection.  Trust me on this.

All the best, wishing you peace.

Gyppo

PS:  You were pre-Google personified.  This line is beautiful.



 

Thank You, Gyppo! You're a saint. Great advise.

I fully concur with everything Gyppo has told you, it is all good sound advice. I have doen this several times sad to say and my only advice is to take time before speaking to make the room your own. Find a space you are comfortable in. I even took time to take my jacket off and walk a number of paces to find my own space. Someone commented afterwards how it impressed them and calmed them down and helped be ready to listen. 
Good luck

Kate, I'm sorry I didn't get to this in time, but we have just been through a funeral in our family and I can tell you those who gave tributes would have benefited greatly from Gyppo and Dave's advice.

My deepest sympathy,

Jackie

Kate,

You have my sincere condolences for your loss.  We spend a lifetime preparing to say good bye, and it is still not easy.  Your poem is breathtaking.  You are still quite possessed of a poet's eye, as evidenced by the wonderful details woven through your work, and the tempered emotions a reader is compellingly invited to relive.

I could see the similarities with my mother, and the emotions I experienced at her passing.  I don't tear up easily, but your writing brought back a wealth of memories. I image the poem did so for its primary audience, and was well received.

Thanks for thinking of us and stopping by.  I am sorry I was not around when the poem was first posted.

Cheers.

T



 

Thanks, Tracy. It was a small graveside service. Mom was 93 and had been in a memory care facility for a few years with Alzheimer's. The reading went okay. I got through it without wailing, but I did get a little choked up.

How are you liking Colorado? We moved to the mountains of NC; I may have told you. My husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, so here we go again. Very early stages at this point.

I want to get back to writing and reading poetry. I will try.   I hope all is well with you.

Kate