The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

They are dug in under the screen door
where my foot swings, where concrete crumbles.

Fat and fuzzy the bees scurry as heavy as baby mice.
They share an apartment with a chipmunk,
and a long amber centipede
that sometimes emerges
to ripple-wave at something only it can see.

The bees skim a small acreage, meander low;
rotund whirring blimps that chase each other
in a small circle of light.

When night drips from the roof,
we share a living space
made for their hypnotic huddles,
and my many unpacked shadows.

Very nice, Eric. The phrasing was particularly good in the last 2 verses, I thought.

Some specifics below.

Trev

[Delete: They are] dug in under the screen door
where my foot swings, where concrete crumbles.
[Delete stanza break]
Fat [Delete: and fuzzy the] bees scurry [Delete (forced image): as heavy as baby mice].
They share an apartment with a chipmunk,
and a long amber centipede
that sometimes emerges
to ripple-wave [nice way of describing it] at something only it can see.

The bees skim a small acreage, meander low; [Maybe a colon rather than a semicolon?]
[Delete: rotund] whirring blimps that chase each other
in a small circle of light.

When night drips from the roof, [Lovely phrase/idea]
we share a living space [Can "a living space" be improved with something more imaginative?]
made for their hypnotic huddles [Delete: ,]
and my many unpacked shadows. [Lovely last line]

Googled them:

A female drills a perfectly round hole into a wood structure only as an entrance to a nest, they do not dine on wood and wreck your house. 

They are non-aggressive so I can stop worrying about you, Eric.

They are excellent pollinators--so good for you deciding to just live with them

Identification: rotund whirring blimps that chase each other
in a small circle of light. (Love it)

 

as heavy as baby mice now that is an analogy that impacts!

Thanks for this close read and editing suggestions Trev, I very much appreciate your feedback on this.

Hi Indar, I did not know some of these facts! Most interesting. Glad the poem seems to have worked for you.
They do have a bad reputation among home owners but I do not feel they are any threat to the foundations.
We have chipmunks here also and they like to burrow under the the house, but way too cute to not live with.
Cheers

Thank you matty Its always good to know that a line works.
Appreciate the feedback.
Best

I enjoyed this but it left me querying some details, probably unnecessarily:
where my foot swings: on my first read I liked swings but then an image of a bodliless foot swinging or the N sitting tilted against the door frame kept reappearing.
As fat as baby mice - a striking image at first but again started thinking, how do you know? what does a baby mouse even look like and how does that image help me picture/feel the weight of the bees
They share and apartment with a chipmunk - apartment jars for me as it conjures images of mini animal furniture and active communication - besides the shared living space returns in the last stanza and is therefore somewhat preemptive in this stanza.
I agree with Trevor that hypnotic huddles could be deleted: it sounds great and is a strong image but I cannot imagine it. Are these huddles in their burrow where you cannot see them of do they huddle in the house whre you can?

Probably stupid to think so much

Thanks Dave good of you to do this close read. I am taking on board all these suggestions. Cheers.