Death and My Daughter

[TrevorConway]

No proof of thought,
her cheek the colour of clean bone –
asleep in this pale light,
and so lifeless
it gives me a debt of fright
until her belly bloats.
Maybe I’ve studied death
too close and too long throughout my life. 

She hasn’t learned of it yet,
but one day, awareness will strike,
and she will be taut
with knowledge that can’t be undone like a thread.
Maybe even within a year,
it will twist her supple shape
into the folded form
of fear. 

It twisted me – alive to death
at such a precocious age,
suddenly serious and, I suppose, spurred
to poems and things, like a bell
ringing alarm through the days.
The sound grew distant across the years,
till I forgot it altogether,
became newly unaware. 

How can I not imagine this face
schooled with age, hair as light
and tangled as attic cobwebs?
We serve a certain term –
how long will hers be?
And at that age, where will she keep me
except in some dusty desk
of her memory? 

I’ll dance with death again.
It might yoke me for years
to the same old fear and fury.
Now, I’m fixed on her,
more present in the future,
hoping she’ll be most aware
of how I shared so much of life
with her.

[Matty11]

Engrossing Trev.

S1 Got my attention. L2 love that comparison. Fright as a debt is interesting. bloat I associate with food rather than air.

S2 is not so tight, but taut with knowledge and the notion of form shaped by fear were interesting.

S3 takes the focus away from the child

S4 Love the cobweb simile

S5 Is something of an explainer.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... t-midnight

best

Phil

[Colm Roe]

Very nice poem, Trev. Some lovely turns of phrase.
Not sure I agree with the idea that children fear deaths? 
It's a long time ago, but I don't remember fearing death when I was young. The first experience was when my grandfather was very ill, I overheard my parents talking about him, saying he was about to die. I was just looking forward to a day off school for the funeral, but was really disappointed that I had to wait a few more weeks for him to croak. 
 

[TrevorConway]

Hi Phil and Colm,

Thanks for the feedback.

Trev

[AlienFlower]

Very absorbing, Trev, though I did not pick up on a pattern to help me in following the point of view. 

I agree with Phil's reference to Coleridge's poem; not only for the topic but for the atmosphere. Were you in something of a Romanticist frame of mind when you wrote this?

Jackie

[TrevorConway]

Hi Jackie,

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, definitely a Romantic thing going on, to the detriment of the poem, or maybe more Yeats. He has a poem with a similar theme.

Thanks again,

Trev

[Eric Ashford]

Death haunts the watchers more than those near death. This is a fine write and I am happy to join in the applause, but
for me, it ponders too much and so gets a little diluted with the thoughts. Good stuff nevertheless.

[TrevorConway]

Thanks, Eric. Appreciate it.

Trev

[Dave]

I thought the first stanza was a strong opening - very atmospheric. - though throughout my life could be cut as too close and too long say what needs to be said.

In S 2 I would cut line 2 since this is said better in L3
so
She hasn't learnt it yet
but one day she will be taut...

S3 drags the poem to a standstill being overthought and drowning out the image of the daughter and her coming life.
I would suggest trying to find a way to compress the last three stanzas into one or maybe two so that the N's daughter stays in the focus and the language remains tactile rather than pensive.