Funeral Fire

[bruise]

I remember black flowers, a low-slung coffin
and priestly incantations. I stared at my boots
as they buried their girl, killed in a car crash.

Sent by school, I stood awkwardly
between the Head and the driver -
neither family, nor believers – three aliens.

I watched the fisted handfuls of dirt and gravel
thud on wood, and could imagine a thin wail rising,
a soul smoke, curling into these believers’ ears,

welcome in their mind’s heaven. Perhaps just
a place for people they can’t yet leave
to the long, the nothing, the end.

*

My spirited gran’s funeral day was godless -
the small cask slid back, curtains closed
on her leaving, engulfed by a secular fire.

I admired their strength. Even in this last ritual
they chose unbelieving, uncomforted pain -
there were no half truths, no small lies, no rot.

His daughters then watched granddad choke
gutdeep sobs, and soon, too soon, cancer
yellowed his sharp mind, sapping his quiet force.

His same ritual reduced us, silenced us.
Becoming adults, we children wait
to bury parents, but don’t know how.

[Colm Roe]

Hi and welcome, bruise.
Two very different funerals, both well explored. I especially like 'engulfed by a secular fire'.
An excellent first poem, and I'm looking forward to reading many more.

[Mark]

Welcome to the site, Ben. We need more voices, so thank you for showing up.

Two well-written pieces with some original phrasing and imagery, and good endings too.
Critically, I'm not convinced the title lives up to the more delicate writing in either singular or communal form. I'm guessing a quick re-titling for the post here?
I would suggest reconsidering the use of soul and heaven as some readers find these words to be a bit over-used in poetry. I also think you could cut fisted - partly because it's not really a recognized adjective but mainly because it doesn't seem a closed hand - a fist - could hold sufficient material to generate a thud on coffin timber, and this recognition causes a hesitation in the reading flow, for me anyway. Minor technical point.

Looking forward to more posts.
         

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hey Bruise,

Wonderful writing.  I found these sections to be well-written and emotional. Not like, emotional writing, but text which induces the reader to share the emotions.  This is not easy to do, and you didn't take this over the top, as is so easy to do.

There are two sections, each containing four three-line free-verse stanzas.  The first section describes the funeral of the Narrator's student.  As neither a family member nor a believer, the N stands as an observer, or reporter to us readers.  The observations in S.3 and S.4 are beautiful, and beautifully written.  

The second section, describing the funeral of N's grandmother, is obviously much more personal to N, subjective in its tone and tenor.  It is remarkable how the strength projected from Gran dissipates as granddad succumbs first to his grief, and then to his mortality. 

What follows are my nit-pics, such as they are.

Not sure about the last two lines of the last stanza.  We prepare a lifetime to bury our parents and we are never prepared.  The waiting isn't usually a conscious thing.  Maybe its me, but there is a small sense of explaining here, rather than showing. Perhaps its the way to do it.  I don't think it is a major thing, just thought I'd mention it.

S.1 L.2 -- priestly >> ministerial/pastoral/pontifical/sacerdotal.

S.2 L.2 -- Head.  I assume that is the local slang for chief administrator of the school, though I have not heard the term before.  I am a rural upper-midwest USA guy, so there are lots of UK words I was not raised with.  That said, for me, it takes some effort not to ascribe the maritime meaning to the word. 

The phrase "watched granddad choke / gutdeep sobs. . . "  is tremendous on all levels.

My main quandary is the decision to do these are one poem rather than two.  I don't have a position on the matter - I don't know what I think, but I find myself thinking about it enough to suggest that it isn't a no-brainer.  The two sections are not not alike. But I am not overwhelmed with the benefits of conjoining them.  I wonder if the strength and import of each is not lessened rather than enhanced,  Again, I have no answers to that and would be very interested in hearing the author's thoughts, if that might be possible.

Good, good stuff.

Cheers.

T 







 

[bruise]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and read so carefully and thoughtfully. Thank you for the welcome.

Lots to think about, thank you.

[bruise]

Critically, I'm not convinced the title lives up to the more delicate writing in either singular or communal form. I'm guessing a quick re-titling for the post here?

Not a re-titling to post here, but probably not enough consideration of titles. Your comment caused me to add an -s!

Funeral Fires

I would suggest reconsidering the use of soul and heaven as some readers find these words to be a bit over-used in poetry.

I get that they are over-used and I'm not using them in a positive way, but to signify the beliefs of the believers in the first half of the poem. Hence 'their minds heaven', as it's a heaven I personally don't believe exists outside their minds, if that makes sense.

I also think you could cut fisted - partly because it's not really a recognized adjective but mainly because it doesn't seem a closed hand - a fist - could hold sufficient material to generate a thud on coffin timber, and this recognition causes a hesitation in the reading flow, for me anyway. Minor technical point.

Fisted as in 'ham-fisted' Just means grab badly to me? I can see what you mean though.

Thank you for your careful reading! And thank you for the welcome.

[bruise]

Wonderful writing.  I found these sections to be well-written and emotional. Not like, emotional writing, but text which induces the reader to share the emotions.  This is not easy to do, and you didn't take this over the top, as is so easy to do.

Thank you. I was trying to leave a lot to the reader to draw on, I'm really pleased you recognise that.

There are two sections, each containing four three-line free-verse stanzas.  The first section describes the funeral of the Narrator's student.  As neither a family member nor a believer, the N stands as an observer, or reporter to us readers.  The observations in S.3 and S.4 are beautiful, and beautifully written.  

Many thanks. Makes me blush!

And, btw, this is an excellent model for a crit. I'll try to follow the same pattern. Having a statement of what you take the poem to be about and how it works is a great way for the writer to know whether what they were doing works or not.

The second section, describing the funeral of N's grandmother, is obviously much more personal to N, subjective in its tone and tenor.  It is remarkable how the strength projected from Gran dissipates as granddad succumbs first to his grief, and then to his mortality.

 

Indeed, as happened in real life, and I'm glad that was conveyed to you.

What follows are my nit-pics, such as they are.

nit-pics are very welcome!

Not sure about the last two lines of the last stanza.  We prepare a lifetime to bury our parents and we are never prepared.  The waiting isn't usually a conscious thing.  Maybe its me, but there is a small sense of explaining here, rather than showing. Perhaps its the way to do it.  I don't think it is a major thing, just thought I'd mention it.

i think it's because it is my experience. In that, growing up in a deeply atheist family (past three or four generations), I'm quite strongly aware of difference. Then my granparents funerals were both admirable and also painful, if you know what I mean, so I wanted to reflect that. My mother is preparing her funeral and wants to know that everything is organised, so there's that as well!

S.1 L.2 -- priestly >> ministerial/pastoral/pontifical/sacerdotal.

I remember that funeral as being catholic, hence priestly. All of the suggested alternatives would work well, and pontifical sounds yet more catholic(!) but also critical in a way i wouldn't mean.

S.2 L.2 -- Head.  I assume that is the local slang for chief administrator of the school, though I have not heard the term before.  I am a rural upper-midwest USA guy, so there are lots of UK words I was not raised with.  That said, for me, it takes some effort not to ascribe the maritime meaning to the word.

 

Yes - I worked on an American frigate for a couple of weeks. A dispiriting experience - for so so many reasons - but one of the reasons was that the heads had backed up. Which I know that you'll know quite how horrible that is. Even worse - they just roped it off and didn't deal with it for a week. The smell below decks....

Anyway - i'm a Brit, and to a Brit the Head is clear. That raises all sorts of questions about US and British English and what we do about that. Interesting. I'm not sure I have an answer. We don't call the 'chief administrator' for example, that would be seen as a reduction of their role, not a description.

The phrase "watched granddad choke / gutdeep sobs. . . "  is tremendous on all levels.

Thank you.

My main quandary is the decision to do these are one poem rather than two.  I don't have a position on the matter - I don't know what I think, but I find myself thinking about it enough to suggest that it isn't a no-brainer.  The two sections are not not alike. But I am not overwhelmed with the benefits of conjoining them.  I wonder if the strength and import of each is not lessened rather than enhanced,  Again, I have no answers to that and would be very interested in hearing the author's thoughts, if that might be possible.

To me the two halves belong together. I guess the schema to me is that the first half is the more usual approach to funerals that believers engage with, the second half is my more individual experience, and, given that the West is getting more secular, increasing numbers of people's experiences. But also for Protestants as well - when major life events can be celebrated in different ways, the onus is yet more on the individuals to make choices they may not want to. I admired my grandparents' funerals, but thought that they were unnecessarily reductive, for example. That puts the onus on me to come up with a better ceremony. For my mother (also a non-believer) that falls on my shoulders (except in that she seems to want to plan it!)

Good, good stuff.

Thank you again. It's heartening.

[bruise]

Hi and welcome, bruise.
Two very different funerals, both well explored. I especially like 'engulfed by a secular fire'.
An excellent first poem, and I'm looking forward to reading many more.

Thank you for the welcome and the response. Very much appreciated.

[Mark]

Excellent response.

Ty, for the record 'Head' is a contraction of Headmaster - I don't think that was conveyed.



     

[Dave]

Hi Bruise and welcome,

As has been stated these are thoughtful and carefully put together poems. This is further confirmed by your responses to the comments. As has been already described they provide contrasting experiences of two funerals, one at which the N is more intimately involved than the other both emotionally and spiritually.

As with others, there are one two small details I stumble over or would perhaps reconsider:
Firstly, though the 'I remember' provides a smooth way into the poem and highlights perhaps that the experience was at an emotional distance, it is quite a cliché opening and immediately also puts the reader at a distance as 'Oh, so it gone?, Why does it matter now?'
In line 6 I would suggest writing 'none of us' instead of both - surely the N is also a non-believer? I found this use of both somewhat confusing.
As with Mark I would suggest removing 'fisted' as it has too many connotations including pornographic ones and handful does the job anyway. Also it would be more powerful without 'I could imagine' - at least in Irish funerals wailing is very much real not imagined. After heaven it would make more grammatical sense to put a comma or semi-colon instead of a full-stop. Plus sure 'they' should be 'who'?

In the second funeral, the way the lines are written, it could be the curtains that catch fire not the casket (surely casket not cask, which is for alcohol, or not?)

In stanza 2 'their' is a somewhat unmotivated pronoun - who is actually being referred to. Since this poem is meant to be a more familiar and personal one, we are left wondering who these people are - the family, the freiends, or the grandmother?
Likewise 'His' daughters - maybe I am being stupid but whose daughters? And while I can figure out what is meant I did at first ask myself who is the 'he' behind the his? The grandfather's cancer as portrayed in the poem seems to emerge during the funeral.

These are all nits and Tom has said to an interesting and promising poem. I look forward to more.