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If Only
Posted: Thu Nov 04, 2021 2:48 am
by TrevorConway
NEW VERSION
If only rain
was always warm,
we’d take a shower
in every storm.
If only stars
had brighter light,
there’d be no streetlamps
lit at night.
If dreams were films
we could release,
you’d love my latest
masterpiece.
And if the sun
was further away,
we’d have winter
every day.
If only this poem
could be what you like,
you might ride it
like a mountain bike.
OLD VERSION
If only rain
was always warm,
we’d take a shower
in every storm.
If only stars
had brighter light,
there’d be no streetlamps
lit at night.
If dreams were films
we could somehow release,
you’d love my latest
masterpiece.
If only this poem
could be what you like,
you’d fold it up,
ride it like a bike.
Re: If Only
Posted: Thu Nov 04, 2021 5:20 am
by Matty11
Hi Trev
Enjoyed your bitter/sweet poem. I have no quibbles.
best
Phil
Re: If Only
Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2021 1:15 am
by TrevorConway
Thanks, Phil. I think it feels a bit short, so I might try to come up with another verse. Will see.
Thanks again,
Trev
Re: If Only
Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2021 10:49 am
by Dave
A fun read. I enjoyed the poem
Re: If Only
Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2021 7:07 am
by indar
I agree with all the comments so far--yes its a fun read but with a bittersweet edge to it. I agree with you it feels like there should be more, maybe a stanza between 3 and 4 to transition from the out and out playfulness to that last sense of yearning ( stated without drama--good).
I enjoyed the read.
Re: If Only
Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2021 2:23 pm
by Mark
Bobs and bounces along nicely as a fun read. S3 seems to be missing an 'only' in the 1st line, for consistency. Otherwise the structure is decent enough and the rhyme scheme unobtrusive.
Re: If Only
Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2021 1:38 am
by TrevorConway
Thanks, Mark. I left out the "only" to avoid monotony.
New version with a new verse below and at the top of the page, if anyone's interested.
If Only
If only rain
was always warm,
we’d take a shower
in every storm.
If only stars
had brighter light,
there’d be no streetlamps
lit at night.
If dreams were films
we could release,
you’d love my latest
masterpiece.
And if the sun
was further away,
we’d have winter
every day.
If only this poem
could be what you like,
you might ride it
like a mountain bike.
Re: If Only
Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2021 3:09 am
by hanahana
very good poem.... thanks
Re: If Only
Posted: Wed Nov 24, 2021 1:49 am
by TrevorConway
Thanks, Hanahana.
Trev