The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Duomos and camponiles
drew our gazes skyward,
straining rarely used muscles.
Inside, the glut of art,
designed to elevate and lead our eyes
toward the heavens, eventually
grounded them.

I remember floors and streets,
each step connected me more
than all the Caravaggios.

The original cobble stones
worn and rounded so deep
and yet so soft.
The hardness of their lives
recorded for all who cared to see.

It took a few days
to appreciate the cleanliness
of their spotless alleyways.
A refusal to disrespect
the roads that brought them here?
The ones that will carry
their families.

They have replaced some sections, but
every stone was unique,
hand worked.

I could sense each hammer blow.

Determined hands
punching pride and continuity
back into place.

I really like this poem and it really takes me back to past trips to Italy - very atmospheric. I would suggest changing it to present tense though for more immediacy and remove the need to state the banalities of 'I remember'. Banalities sounds harsher than I mean but I hope you get the idea - it is a bit commonplace and cliche, which is the shame in such an excellent poem.
 

Thanks for the read and comments Dave.
I know where you're coming from with 'I remember', but it's not just a casual comment; I was trying to enforce the idea of remembering something others might not, i.e. 'You might not remember, but I do'.
Present tense is certainly worth exploring.
Glad you enjoyed the recall. After seeing the new 007 movie last night Puglia might be next on the list.

Effective contrasts Colm. Like the grounded theme for connecting with place. A more concrete art of expression. glut of art ...been there, and the neck strain

enjoyed

Phil

Agree with Dave, very atmospheric.
Love the second stanza. 
I would lose the first full stop in the last for lines. Let it run until the final stop. 
This would emphasise the relentlessness of the graft.

luke 

P,s could the title be improved? Perhaps something that places the poem geographically? 

Thanks guys, I appreciate the comments and advice.

Hi Colm,

Nice piece. My overall impression is that it felt a bit long-winded for the subject matter, like it should be a good quarter or so less in length. I've highlighted in bold some parts below that I think could go. If you're interested, read the poem without those parts and see what you think. I hope it helps,

Trev


Duomos and camponiles
drew our gazes skyward,
straining rarely used muscles[,]
[and i]nside, the glut of art
designed to elevate and lead our eyes toward the heavens
eventually grounded them.
[Remove stanza break?]
I remember floors and streets, ["I remember" feels a bit bland. Be more imaginative with the language/phrase if you can]
[how] each step connected me more
than all the Caravaggios. [Give more examples than just Caravaggios. It feels curt. Mention painting techniques, etc.]

The original cobble stones[,]
worn and rounded so deep and yet so soft.
[recorded the hardness of their lives].
[Remove stanza break]
It took a few days
to appreciate the cleanliness
of their spotless alleyways.
A refusal to disrespect
the roads that brought them here?
The ones that will carry
their families.
[Remove stanza break]
They have replaced some sections, but
[E]very stone was unique,
[worked by hand].
[Remove stanza break]
I could sense each hammer blow[,] [Something better than sensed? "I winced at each hammer blow"?
[Remove stanza break]
[d]etermined hands
punching pride and continuity
back into place. [Lovely ending. It's great]

Thanks for your comments Trev, they're always appreciated.