Betrayal

[TrevorConway]

Ireland, I have wanted you
to be something more to me
than vicious green and numbing rain. 

Muggy pub and Guinness tongue
are soft delights in dank winter,
but I am alive in summer, a plant 

always pining for sun, for warmth
and bright things that startle my senses
into a stupor of doing. 

You won’t still me, and all your grey
manoeuvring somehow imprisons me,
so forgive me, Ireland, for being away. 

I don’t mean to betray you,
only to grow.

[Dave]

Hi Trevor
An interesting take on Ireland and your relationship to it. When I lived there I say the colour that stuck in my mind was always grey not green as in the classic idea of the emerald island. Vicious and numbing are great adjectives in S 1 but then the rest of the poem largely lacks singular and interesting verbs. This would help the energy that drives the N to leave.
Hence I would suggest a stronger dynamic through verbs.

Dave

[Matty11]

Hi Trev,
I liked vicious too.

Proffer soft delights

Just a thought

manoeuvres ...reduces some -ing

best

Phil

[AlienFlower]

Hi Trevor,

 

Your feelings for Ireland are obvious here, but using qualifiers to express it (I have wanted you, somehow, forgive me, I don’t mean to) weakens your voice. How about “Ireland, be something more to me than…”

 

I agree with Dave that this poem would benefit from stronger verbs. The noun phrases (vicious green, numbing rain, muggy pub, Guinness tongue, soft delights, dank winter, bright things, grey manoeuvring) make the poem wander.

 

Just my view. Feelings for a country—I don’t have the guts to tackle that, myself.

 

Jackie

[TrevorConway]

Hi Dave, Phil and Jackie.

I appreciate the feedback. I see I have a good but to do in order to make this more interesting.

Thanks a mill,

Trev

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hi Trevor,

Love this poem -- you take a big bite of the apple. 

Perhaps poems of such psychic girth do not require near-continual tinkering, but it often seems that way to me.

My only suggestion is to see how this feels to you with the last line deleted.  For me, the poem reaches a natural crescendo with the line  "I don’t mean to betray you".  It could also be considered as "I don’t mean to betray."  Just my thought.

I very much like plant metaphor.

Cheers.

T

[TrevorConway]

Hi Tracy,

Thanks very much for your input here. I think I agree straighaway about ditching the "you", though not so sure yet about the last line. Looking back at this poem, the imprisons idea/line feels too obvious/bland, so that'll have to go, too.

Cheers!

Trev 

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hi Trevor,
When I considered "imprisons" I thought perhaps instead -- "stunts" to extend the plant metaphor. But that didn't seem quiet right either. 

T

[TrevorConway]

Thanks for the follow-up, T.

Trev

[Interlace1]

Some good suggestions here but you wouldn't miss any marks by leaving this as it is. Lovely writing. Prevailing feelings of guilt and nostalgia - the primacy of person over place, despite the indivisible relationship between them. This tension really comes through.

L