Visitations (revised)

[Tracy Mitchell]

Wonderful writing.  Love S3 most.

T

[Matty11]

Thanks T. I missed the 'fives' last time, forgot, will try to activate this time around

cheers

Phil

[TrevorConway]

Hey Phil,

Interesting phrasing in parts (2nd, 3rd and 4th verses of the new version) here. The last 2 verses felt unimaginative linguistically by comparison. Firts verse wasn't bad, but I think the rusted keys verse would be a better start. 

Hope this helps,

Trev

Straying out here,
a fraying path
through the valley,
unwinds the clock. [delete verse]

Like rusted keys,
runes of red light
bead the stack [bead is a nice verb here]
of silent pines.

And now this ink,
crows in flight,
a litter of [this line break feels too artificial - make it 3 lines or add a 4th with new material]
ill-omen scrawl.

And then the silence
scripting its slow claw. [scripting is great]
No thrush perched
tree-proud. No song. [nice rhythm and grammar]

My labrador barks
at something. I hear
myself muttering
aloud to no one.

Nonsense I say.
Logging happens.
Birds are just birds.
We're not actors. [as mentioned, last 2 verses fall much flatter, disappointing end to some interesting stuff]

[Matty11]

Thanks Trev. I feel you may be right on the starting point. There is a gear change towards the end, common sense v movie cliche, but perhaps it needs to be more succinct and ambivalent for some edge. Will ponder.

Phil