Hi Phil,
Thanks for the good title suggestion.
It's a good eye to see the celery part garnered more gusto than the dying friend part. Do they feel plastered together? Or are there enough threads, themes, and allegories which seep through, to make it a whole poem?
T
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I Never Liked Celery–
Re: I Never Liked Celery–
Hi Tracy,
There is the ambition of a gear shift, but there are threads of survival and death as well as that garden memory to bind the poem. I'm hesitant, but I feel there is too much explanation in part two, and though I recognise the need and purpose to reference another friend, another death, the stubborn nature of disagreement, the persistent nag of betrayal, and yet that prompt of death to renewal and re-establish and find comfort in old friendships...the roots of childhood...I feel the poem would benefit with less of this, have more 'gut' as it were.
Options:
Cut the last two verses. The explanation of the fall-out dries up the poem in the psychology?
Cut the last three verses. The Jim part, the loss and talk of childhood, gives weight to motive, but devalues the rest of the poem.
Keep the last two verses, but cut the two preceding. You lose some of the motivation, but prune some of the 'flatter' lines, and voice has more vigour in the last two.
Or revisit and edit the four verses to two:
hope that helps some
Phil
There is the ambition of a gear shift, but there are threads of survival and death as well as that garden memory to bind the poem. I'm hesitant, but I feel there is too much explanation in part two, and though I recognise the need and purpose to reference another friend, another death, the stubborn nature of disagreement, the persistent nag of betrayal, and yet that prompt of death to renewal and re-establish and find comfort in old friendships...the roots of childhood...I feel the poem would benefit with less of this, have more 'gut' as it were.
Options:
Cut the last two verses. The explanation of the fall-out dries up the poem in the psychology?
Cut the last three verses. The Jim part, the loss and talk of childhood, gives weight to motive, but devalues the rest of the poem.
Keep the last two verses, but cut the two preceding. You lose some of the motivation, but prune some of the 'flatter' lines, and voice has more vigour in the last two.
Or revisit and edit the four verses to two:
Just a thought.I need to tell someone, and I think of you. I am sorry.
Jim called six weeks ago to say goodbye, but he didn’t
actually tell me that. He died later that night.
And you, my friend. I need to tell you I am still pissed.
We had much to re-chew, insult each other one more time.
But I did not call. I couldn’t bear to say goodbye.
hope that helps some
Phil
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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: I Never Liked Celery–
Wow, Phil. Thanks for taking another look at this. I see your reasoning and agree. I think the second part's voice, tone, tenor, pace, and 'anguish' are largely over-talked. The needed new conciseness [concision?] will not come at a heavy cost. The pattern will be there. Now, I'm off to the garage to get the saw. 
T
T
Re: I Never Liked Celery–
perhaps just fright-trauma at the lowering of the curtain on our generation. I don't know. The poem kinda wrote itself without much consulting me.
This interpretation appeals to me. With the exception of one 100+ year-old shirtail relative in Wilmar MN I am the elder of my extended family. I also get updates from a friend from all the way back to the 4th grade. She regularly updates me on the deaths of old school mates I would never have remembered were it not for her.
I began writing a series of poems from The Silent Generation, those of us born during WWII--I believe you are a Boomer. Either way we have much to share with any who would listen.....
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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: I Never Liked Celery–
The silent generation -- yes, much to tell. I am glad you are using the medium of poetry so effectively, and helping the rest of us attempt to do so as well.
Thanks for revising.
Cheers.
T
Thanks for revising.
Cheers.
T
Re: I Never Liked Celery–
I like Phil's suggested cuts. When I read the poem again, what now stands out is the fact the celery refuses to die. This fits with the N's not wanting to say goodbye, like the celery. The tension we all experience between living and dying, between letting go when the time comes and that human (celery) spirit that refuses to die or let things die enabling us to rediscover yet another way to gain from life - a new taste, a new growth, a new annoyance.
Dave
Dave
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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: I Never Liked Celery–
Thanks Dave, you have a way of getting to the heart of the matter. Thanks for the comments. I will try to retain the good and shed the bad. Always the task of revisioning, right?
T
T
Re: I Never Liked Celery–
I like the title "Epistle"
I also want to take advantage of an opportunity to share an epistle poem that happens to be one of my favorites by one of my very favorite poets. There will be a pop quiz later to make certain everyone has read it.
Epistle To Be Left In The Earth poem - Archibald MacLeish poems | Best Poems (best-poems.net)
I also want to take advantage of an opportunity to share an epistle poem that happens to be one of my favorites by one of my very favorite poets. There will be a pop quiz later to make certain everyone has read it.
Epistle To Be Left In The Earth poem - Archibald MacLeish poems | Best Poems (best-poems.net)
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Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3444
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: I Never Liked Celery–
Wow -- I can see why that is a favorite poem of yours, Indar. So poignant. And chilling. Something crystalline pure and utterly cold. thanks for sharing.
T
T