Wannabe

[Matty11]

My mum scoops hearts from pick n' mix,
munches her birthday wishes. The dad
offers his grin and grabs a bouquet.
He wears Doc Martens, but acts nice.

He doodles anchors in margins,
the word is kedging he tells me.
Squinting I see his frown of thorns,
his fingers picking scabs for clues.

Mum sets the dial for cotton whites.
They foam and froth, shrug and slump.
The accidents are pegged. Like fibs.
They flap a line of innocence.

We stroll. I splash the muddle puzzles.
The dad tells us he studied plants.
You prune a prob, it multiplies.
The crossword clue is flapdoodle.

Mum flutters in her yellow frock
and butterfly bra. Makes me cringe.
The dad is larking in the park,
he bowls a bag of pick n 'mix.

I drop a dolly catch and litter
hearts under Do not feed the ducks
Mum and new dad are hoisting sails.
I'm jetsam in the ebb and flow.


-------------------------------------------------

All responses welcome, but I'm particularly concerned with...

1. Whether the concluding line is flat and uninventive.

2. The larking/park rhyme is too easy.

[Dave]

The first thing that stood for me is the quality and variety of the verbs. They sing and dip and dance and flow and create a wonderful dynamic.
The use of 'the dad' took a while to get used to but comes to gether excellently with new dad in the last stanza. 
Thre are colloquialisms that may be strange to those who don't know them. This is am not a weakness but still might leave some readers wondering - the references to pick 'n'mix and in the latter stages to cricket.
I loved the closing image, sums it up so well and adds to so many moments that suggest the insecurities under the surface and everyone's effort to form and shape a new life together. Very moving in a very British sort of way.

[Eladbernard]

I liked the "larking in the park" rhyme, it's quite casual, not jolting the reader at all. I feel that whether it's easy is neither here, nor there. Though a cliché for me to say, but it is rather that it's true to the poem. Either way, it works nicely.
I really enjoyed my reads, as Dave said, it is very British, with a nice summery backdrop.
My favourite line was "He wears Doc Martens, but acts nice." I loved it. It's sort of insightful, with a humorous jest.

[Matty11]

I loved the closing image, sums it up so well and adds to so many moments that suggest the insecurities under the surface and everyone's effort to form and shape a new life together.

Thanks Dave for the thumbs up on that. I've been dithering! I appreciate the detailed reading you have given, the progression in your reading to how elements in the poem come to clarity.

There are colloquialisms that may be strange to those who don't know them. This is am not a weakness but still might leave some readers wondering - the references to pick 'n'mix and in the latter stages to cricket.

True. I find some 'overseas' readers want a default to their cultural identity and use of English, whilst others are intrigued or find it 'quaint' .

cheers

Phil

[Matty11]

but it is rather that it's true to the poem.

Thanks Dale. Pleased that worked in the context and reflected the voice of N. Needed some validation on that one.

My favourite line was "He wears Doc Martens, but acts nice." I loved it. It's sort of insightful, with a humorous jest.

Also pleased that translated and you could tune into the perspective.

cheers

Phil

[Colm Roe]

Excellent poem Phil.
I could feel a palpable sense of unease from the start. The act in 'but acts nice' made me fearful for the N. Last 2 lines in S2 didn't make me feel any easier. S3 suggests bed wetting, so I'm even more concerned. By S4 I'm less uneasy. S5, I get a better sense of the N's age; and love how your mum 'flutters'. 
Last S, especially the last 2 lines, my unease returns. Mum and new dad are really serious (hoisting sails) and the N feels discarded.
I assume the title is the instruction. Whatever the new dad is, he'll never be his real dad.
It's all happening now, not in the past...where it happened. This really adds to the sense of trauma I'm getting. 
 

[Matty11]

Thanking for keying into the mood and perspective of this Colm. Of course, it is all from N.s viewpoint, and there are always others to 'adopt', though lack of empathy
is not untypical of all age groups in that desperate, competitive pursuit of happiness

cheers

Phil

[Dave]

Actually the poem opens more and more scope with each reading. The first line opens up new perspectives for example, making it clearly a metaphor for the fact that this dad is not the first and has been chosen randomly. It fits nicely with the failure to catch to catch the sweets later.

[indar]

This is one of the best and most relatable (to me) poems I have read in a long while. I will read and reread it and will spend some time googling some references. Then I'll be back. Love the laundry.

[Matty11]

making it clearly a metaphor for the fact that this dad is not the first

Thanks for returning Dave. Yes, the pursuit of 'happiness' can be more functional/practical than the romantic notion of the 'one love' (as Jane Austen noted in 'Sense and Sensibility' ). A growing up lesson for N.

cheers

Phil