The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

The supervised girl practicing kindness
was the way you said my name. 
My back cracks into a spinster's tennis serve,
waves of immolation flay my dizzying skin.
One picture and the cloud looms over,
for the curls you ruffled are soaked in rain,
glasses stained, in everything that used to be.
All we made were bruised apples
and the tracks we left for yesterday.

I would bend time to change - something.
You are a ruby in a bookstore,
beautiful, but so out of place.

I can look at it now; me who is not him,
knowing all I did was right.
Yet, the magnet inside has the strangest grip,
it is a battle I never understood.
Yes, I am sure of greener pastures
but our would I never forgot.
The drop of your nape,
the flat of your spine,
your dance, your charm and laughter.
Lives spread across time like butter,
but are now lost in the wind.
 

Hi Dale,

Nice to see you back. This is a real interesting poem. I like the freshness in your lines -- there are some wonderful images, and turns of phrase -- "you are a ruby in a bookstore" and "All we made were bruised apples" for example.

But honestly, -I have difficultly following the major theme -- what is the poem saying? What do you want it to say?

I often write unintelligible passages, as other writers here will attest, and have to ask myself these questions. Sometimes a good step is to write out in prose what the meaning of the poem is to me. As I struggle to get to the heart of the poem in prose, I sometimes start writing what is a better poem. Strange, right?

It seems like there is a thread you are following in the narrative -- this poem means something significant to you. Your challenge is to find a way to let the poem reveal itself to the reader. At this point it is still concealing itself.

I will be rereading this, and looking for your next posts.

Cheers.

T

Welcome back Dale.
​I agree with Tracy, it's a fresh way to examine a usually boring theme.
The images he mentioned are excellent. The spinster image, if I got it right, is particularly good...a shy, slouching uncomfortable young man suddenly finding enough backbone to approach his love interest. 
My fists read found a disjoint between the first and last stanza. A few more reads removed that.
It's a romance that didn't last. 
Lines 19 -21 are quite cliched, but not too offensive.
Love poems are usually crap...this one is far from that.
Really enjoyed the read.

Thank you for taking time to read and give feedback. In terms of themes, the reason you can't see one, is because I wasn't thinking of one. You are right in that it is significant to me, but I need to give more to the reader. I will try to rectify this by deleting what I agree are the more cliched lines, and giving it some universal appeal.

Thanks,

Dale

ame. 
My back cracks into a spinster's tennis serve

That was worth the entrance fee. Highly original image.

cheers

Phil

The supervised girl practicing kindness
was the way you said my name. 
My back cracks into a spinster's tennis serve,
waves of immolation flay my dizzying skin.

This breakup scene brought a couple of horrible moments back from my past 60 plus years ago. On both sides of the script. The above is a poem in itself. 

I agree with the others on the images they highlight but some do get lost in the tumult of musings by the N. I could see the many parts each developed into separate poems or maybe segmented into parts I,II III etc. Like 13 way of looking at a blackbird

Hey I would just like to add my enjoyment of the poem, which deserves severals readings at least. The highlights ahve already been mention by others. I would finish on forget as the last few lines are bland in comparison to the rest. You need to chage would to world I think.There is a case to be made in finishing the poem after S1 and leaving the reader to fill in the details.
Nice work
Dave
 

Thank you for the further feedback. 'Would' is of course meant to be 'world', I wasn't as precise in my editing as I thought. Having recently submitted to a competition, I noticed a missing comma afterwards, but these are lessons.
I've decided to finish on line 18 (our world I've never forgot') as I agree with Dave, and like the way it ends with that. Also made some minor tweaks to some lines.

So it reads: 

The supervised girl practicing kindness
was the way you said my name.
I crack, crack into a spinster's tennis serve,
waves of immolation flay my dizzying skin.
One picture brings the cloud looming over,
for the curls you ruffled are soaked in rain,
glasses stained, in everything that used to be.
All we made were bruised apples
and the tracks we left for yesterday.

I would bend time to change - something.
You are a ruby in a bookstore,
beautiful, but so out of place.

I can look at it now; me who is not him,
knowing all I did was right.
Yet, the magnet inside has the strangest grip,
it is a battle I never understood.
Yes, I am sure of greener pastures,
but our world I never forgot.


Thank you once again for taking the time to read!