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Leaning back and looking up
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3179
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Leaning back and looking up
.
first revision:
Looking Up
I am in no hurry. Early dusk —
the sun drops over the hillside.
My thoughts slip the leash,
jump the fence.
From the horizon a plane
like a child’s dream scores
a fresh route of straight up
surging ahead of an orange rose stream
accelerating past now-gray cloud whiffs
in a blue sky growing paler.
As the plane draws near its apex
a white stencil image of a thin moon
becomes the turning point, and the silver dot
leads a rose parade curving back downward
toward the opposite horizon.
I think, if the plane’s altitude is constant,
then the earth is round, lives have themes
and poems like this, have endings.
--------------------------------------------------
original:
Leaning back and looking up
I am in no hurry. Early dusk -
the sun has dropped over the hillside.
My thoughts bolt, run free.
From the horizon a plane appears
like a child’s dream to assume
a route of straight up
it’s trail glows the same rose-orange color
of late dissolved from the now-gray cloud whiffs
in a blue sky growing paler.
As the plane draws near its apex
a white stencil image of a thin moon
becomes the turning point, and the silver dot
leading a rose-orange parade curves downward
toward the opposite horizon.
I think, if the plane’s altitude is constant,
then the earth is round, stories have themes
and poems like this, have endings.
.
first revision:
Looking Up
I am in no hurry. Early dusk —
the sun drops over the hillside.
My thoughts slip the leash,
jump the fence.
From the horizon a plane
like a child’s dream scores
a fresh route of straight up
surging ahead of an orange rose stream
accelerating past now-gray cloud whiffs
in a blue sky growing paler.
As the plane draws near its apex
a white stencil image of a thin moon
becomes the turning point, and the silver dot
leads a rose parade curving back downward
toward the opposite horizon.
I think, if the plane’s altitude is constant,
then the earth is round, lives have themes
and poems like this, have endings.
--------------------------------------------------
original:
Leaning back and looking up
I am in no hurry. Early dusk -
the sun has dropped over the hillside.
My thoughts bolt, run free.
From the horizon a plane appears
like a child’s dream to assume
a route of straight up
it’s trail glows the same rose-orange color
of late dissolved from the now-gray cloud whiffs
in a blue sky growing paler.
As the plane draws near its apex
a white stencil image of a thin moon
becomes the turning point, and the silver dot
leading a rose-orange parade curves downward
toward the opposite horizon.
I think, if the plane’s altitude is constant,
then the earth is round, stories have themes
and poems like this, have endings.
.
Last edited by Tracy Mitchell on Fri Jan 08, 2021 9:54 am, edited 4 times in total.
Re: Leaning back and looking up
This is a curious poem T.
Its slow progression lends itself well to a poem that should read faster because of the lack of punctuation.
I almost find myself thinking you're playing tricks with my mind, how can a blue sky grow 'paler' an dusk I thought? A strange, but correct use of the word.
Being an Aphant I couldn't picture the plane's journey. But the 'if' in the last S is important, and gives me hope.
The 'rose-orange' repeat snagged for me. 'Leading its coloured (or colourful) parade' might be an option?
The first and last stanzas wrap the poem so well. There's a pleasant, almost melancholic acceptance in the end...another hint of mandala?
Anywho, I enjoyed the read T.
And unlike you PC people over there, I wish you all a very Happy Christmas and a healthy and happy New Year
Its slow progression lends itself well to a poem that should read faster because of the lack of punctuation.
I almost find myself thinking you're playing tricks with my mind, how can a blue sky grow 'paler' an dusk I thought? A strange, but correct use of the word.
Being an Aphant I couldn't picture the plane's journey. But the 'if' in the last S is important, and gives me hope.
The 'rose-orange' repeat snagged for me. 'Leading its coloured (or colourful) parade' might be an option?
The first and last stanzas wrap the poem so well. There's a pleasant, almost melancholic acceptance in the end...another hint of mandala?
Anywho, I enjoyed the read T.
And unlike you PC people over there, I wish you all a very Happy Christmas and a healthy and happy New Year
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3179
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Leaning back and looking up
A hardy Merry Christmas to you too, Colm.
So tell me, what is Christmas in Dublin like?
I appreciate your take on my poem. Like everyone else, I suppose, I never really know beforehand how a poem will be perceived and received. Yes, I think this one is a curiosity. I really wanted the rose-orange repeat to work, but I trust your eye and ear on this. I am not sure I see a good substitute at the moment, but then, that is what the desk drawer is for, right?
Cheers.
T
So tell me, what is Christmas in Dublin like?
I appreciate your take on my poem. Like everyone else, I suppose, I never really know beforehand how a poem will be perceived and received. Yes, I think this one is a curiosity. I really wanted the rose-orange repeat to work, but I trust your eye and ear on this. I am not sure I see a good substitute at the moment, but then, that is what the desk drawer is for, right?
Cheers.
T
Re: Leaning back and looking up
If you decide to keep the repeat I really think you'll have to say 'the' instead of 'a' after the 'silver dot leading'. The a implies something new. I know that puts 'the' awarkdly close, twice.
Still think 'leading it's coloured parade' or ' a coloured parade' might be a solution.
As a matter of interest can you tell me why you think the repeat is important?
If you can't that's ok, I've been there/done that.
Still think 'leading it's coloured parade' or ' a coloured parade' might be a solution.
As a matter of interest can you tell me why you think the repeat is important?
If you can't that's ok, I've been there/done that.
Re: Leaning back and looking up
Hi Tracy,
I agree with Colm that this is an unusual poem. There is a sense of random musings about it that lends it to some repetition and unusual word choices but I couldn't help messing with it--we've known one another long enough I know you'll forgive me.
I am in no hurry. Early dusk -
the sun has dropped over the hillside. the sun drops
My thoughts bolt, run free. this seems to me an abstract "tell"
From the horizon a plane appears a plane assumes a route straight up
like a child’s dream to assume
a route of straight up
it’s trail glows the same rose-orange color Its
of late dissolved from the now-gray cloud whiffs
in a blue sky growing paler. nice imagery and beautiful sonics continued with "apex"
As the plane draws near its apex
a white stencil image of a thin moon Love this
becomes the turning point, and the silver dot
leading a rose-orange parade curves downward
toward the opposite horizon. Beautiful stanza
I think, if the plane’s altitude is constant,
then the earth is round, stories have themes
and poems like this, have endings. nice ending
I agree with Colm that this is an unusual poem. There is a sense of random musings about it that lends it to some repetition and unusual word choices but I couldn't help messing with it--we've known one another long enough I know you'll forgive me.
I am in no hurry. Early dusk -
the sun has dropped over the hillside. the sun drops
My thoughts bolt, run free. this seems to me an abstract "tell"
From the horizon a plane appears a plane assumes a route straight up
like a child’s dream to assume
a route of straight up
it’s trail glows the same rose-orange color Its
of late dissolved from the now-gray cloud whiffs
in a blue sky growing paler. nice imagery and beautiful sonics continued with "apex"
As the plane draws near its apex
a white stencil image of a thin moon Love this
becomes the turning point, and the silver dot
leading a rose-orange parade curves downward
toward the opposite horizon. Beautiful stanza
I think, if the plane’s altitude is constant,
then the earth is round, stories have themes
and poems like this, have endings. nice ending
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3179
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Leaning back and looking up
Hmmmm -- much to think about Indar.
I like the suggestions, and will continue to play around.
. . . bolt, run free . . . how about -- have loosed the surly bonds of earth No? OK.
Cheers.
T
I like the suggestions, and will continue to play around.
. . . bolt, run free . . . how about -- have loosed the surly bonds of earth No? OK.
Cheers.
T
Re: Leaning back and looking up
Hi Tracy
I enjoyed the poem and like Indar's suggestions too. For some reason and I don't know why I would prefer the title 'Looking up' since leaning back leaves with questions and some concerns - will the N fall over, where are they? and who leans back unless they are on a chair etc.
Unlike the others I stumble over these lines:
its trail glows the same rose-orange color
of late dissolved from the now-gray cloud whiffs.
I cannot locate the reference behind the word same, which makes me feel a bit thick. I kind of get it that the colour dissolved from the clouds before, but the lines are a beautiful image but quite a mouthful to read, especially aloud, IMO.
A pleasant and unusal set of images, though.
Dave
I enjoyed the poem and like Indar's suggestions too. For some reason and I don't know why I would prefer the title 'Looking up' since leaning back leaves with questions and some concerns - will the N fall over, where are they? and who leans back unless they are on a chair etc.
Unlike the others I stumble over these lines:
its trail glows the same rose-orange color
of late dissolved from the now-gray cloud whiffs.
I cannot locate the reference behind the word same, which makes me feel a bit thick. I kind of get it that the colour dissolved from the clouds before, but the lines are a beautiful image but quite a mouthful to read, especially aloud, IMO.
A pleasant and unusal set of images, though.
Dave
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3179
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Leaning back and looking up
Revision posted.
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3179
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Leaning back and looking up
Dave -- Love your title suggestion. It is vastly better, so I adopted it.
Cheers.
T
Cheers.
T