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Leaning back and looking up

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Tracy Mitchell
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Leaning back and looking up

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Thu Dec 24, 2020 9:02 am

.
first revision:

Looking Up

I am in no hurry. Early dusk —
the sun drops over the hillside.
My thoughts slip the leash,
jump the fence.

From the horizon a plane
like a child’s dream scores
a fresh route of straight up

surging ahead of an orange rose stream
accelerating past now-gray cloud whiffs
in a blue sky growing paler.

As the plane draws near its apex
a white stencil image of a thin moon

becomes the turning point, and the silver dot
leads a rose parade curving back downward
toward the opposite horizon.

I think, if the plane’s altitude is constant,
then the earth is round, lives have themes
and poems like this, have endings.

--------------------------------------------------
original:

Leaning back and looking up

I am in no hurry. Early dusk -
the sun has dropped over the hillside.
My thoughts bolt, run free.

From the horizon a plane appears
like a child’s dream to assume
a route of straight up

it’s trail glows the same rose-orange color
of late dissolved from the now-gray cloud whiffs
in a blue sky growing paler.

As the plane draws near its apex
a white stencil image of a thin moon

becomes the turning point, and the silver dot
leading a rose-orange parade curves downward
toward the opposite horizon.

I think, if the plane’s altitude is constant,
then the earth is round, stories have themes
and poems like this, have endings.

.
Last edited by Tracy Mitchell on Fri Jan 08, 2021 9:54 am, edited 4 times in total.

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Colm Roe
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Leaning back and looking up

Post by Colm Roe » Thu Dec 24, 2020 8:29 pm

This is a curious poem T.
Its slow progression lends itself well to a poem that should read faster because of the lack of punctuation.
I almost find myself thinking you're playing tricks with my mind, how can a blue sky grow 'paler' an dusk I thought? A strange, but correct use of the word.
Being an Aphant I couldn't picture the plane's journey. But the 'if' in the last S is important, and gives me hope.
The 'rose-orange' repeat snagged for me. 'Leading its coloured (or colourful) parade' might be an option?
The first and last stanzas wrap the poem so well. There's a pleasant, almost melancholic acceptance in the end...another hint of mandala?
Anywho, I enjoyed the read T.
And unlike you PC people over there, I wish you all a very Happy Christmas and a healthy and happy New Year :)

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Tracy Mitchell
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: Leaning back and looking up

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Fri Dec 25, 2020 9:33 am

A hardy Merry Christmas to you too, Colm.
So tell me, what is Christmas in Dublin like?

I appreciate your take on my poem. Like everyone else, I suppose, I never really know beforehand how a poem will be perceived and received. Yes, I think this one is a curiosity. I really wanted the rose-orange repeat to work, but I trust your eye and ear on this. I am not sure I see a good substitute at the moment, but then, that is what the desk drawer is for, right? :D

Cheers.

T

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Colm Roe
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Re: Leaning back and looking up

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Dec 26, 2020 7:08 pm

If you decide to keep the repeat I really think you'll have to say 'the' instead of 'a' after the 'silver dot leading'. The a implies something new. I know that puts 'the' awarkdly close, twice.
​​​​​Still think 'leading it's coloured parade' or ' a coloured parade' might be a solution. 
​​​​​​As a matter of interest can you tell me why you think the repeat is important? 
If you can't that's ok, I've been there/done that.



indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Leaning back and looking up

Post by indar » Sun Dec 27, 2020 10:08 am

Hi Tracy,

I agree with Colm that this is an unusual poem. There is a sense of random musings about it that lends it to some repetition and unusual word choices but I couldn't help messing with it--we've known one another long enough I know you'll forgive me.

I am in no hurry. Early dusk -
the sun has dropped over the hillside. the sun drops
My thoughts bolt, run free. this seems to me an abstract "tell"

From the horizon a plane appears a plane assumes a route straight up 
like a child’s dream to assume
a route of straight up

it’s trail glows the same rose-orange color Its
of late dissolved from the now-gray cloud whiffs
in a blue sky growing paler. nice imagery and beautiful sonics continued with "apex"

As the plane draws near its apex
a white stencil image of a thin moon Love this

becomes the turning point, and the silver dot
leading a rose-orange parade curves downward
toward the opposite horizon. Beautiful stanza

I think, if the plane’s altitude is constant,
then the earth is round, stories have themes
and poems like this, have endings. nice ending

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Tracy Mitchell
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: Leaning back and looking up

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Sun Dec 27, 2020 10:15 am

Hmmmm -- much to think about Indar.

I like the suggestions, and will continue to play around.

. . . bolt, run free . . . how about -- have loosed the surly bonds of earth :D :D No? OK.

Cheers.

T

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Leaning back and looking up

Post by indar » Sun Dec 27, 2020 1:44 pm

Decidedly no

Dave
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Re: Leaning back and looking up

Post by Dave » Mon Dec 28, 2020 9:02 am

Hi Tracy
 I enjoyed the poem and like Indar's suggestions too. For some reason and I don't know why I would prefer the title 'Looking up' since leaning back leaves with questions and some concerns - will the N fall over, where are they? and who leans back unless they are on a chair etc.

Unlike the others I stumble over these lines:
its trail glows the same rose-orange color 
of late dissolved from the now-gray cloud whiffs.


I cannot locate the reference behind the word same, which makes me feel a bit thick. I kind of get it that the colour dissolved from the clouds before, but the lines are a beautiful image but quite a mouthful to read, especially aloud, IMO.
 A pleasant and unusal set of images, though.
Dave

 

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Leaning back and looking up

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Fri Jan 08, 2021 9:44 am

Revision posted.

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Leaning back and looking up

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Sat Jan 09, 2021 6:24 pm

Dave -- Love your title suggestion. It is vastly better, so I adopted it.

Cheers.

T

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