words or kisses

[Dave]

 


Time rests ajar like lips
poised ready for words.

The lover
lounges along a chaise longue,
indulges himself in sighs
as if it were a heavy tongue.
His cigarette smoke ascends
in spirals of anticipation.

The husband
practices knowing and not knowing
in the corner, lacking the one
desire strong enough to conquer
and imprision or force flight.

The desired
waits on a bed beyond that door,
to be prized or possessed,
her own free will
an independent truth
neither man can ever hope to fathom,
so content are they with themselves.

And so
they remain with mouths
poised ready for words or kisses.

[Colm Roe]

This started so well in S1. But then fell into a cliché fest.
The lover on a chaise longue, smoking a cigarette!
The husband, aware of her lover, is bad enough. But the notion of him
conquering or imprisoning (I assume you meant to say 'imprison) his wife is so passé and uncomfortable.
As for the woman waiting to be prized or possessed! An independent truth! And the idea that the men are so content...this S
reads like an early 20th Century Hollywood script.
The last S copper fastens the poem nicely; and not in a good way.
It appears to be an earnest write...but I have a feeling you're taking the piss...I hope you're taking the piss!
Way below even an average 'Dave' poem.
But I still love S1.

[Dave]

Thanks Colm
Yes haven't written for a long time. Out of touch.
Dave
 

[Tracy Mitchell]

I have been reading this on and off for some time. Definitely seems unfinished. My first comments were "raw, raw". S 1 is very strong. There are other lines, as well -- ". . . practices knowing and not knowing", that are compelling. I think the characters are flat -- not fleshed out with detail. I think the poem attempts a snapshot, and in that regard is interesting.

T