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My Space Or Yours  

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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penguin
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2020 2:58 am

My Space Or Yours  

Post by penguin » Fri Nov 27, 2020 2:40 am

The barren whitewashed walls don’t talk
in the absence of graffiti;
no scripture scrawled in paint or chalk,
no importunate entreaty  

pleading meet me at The Nail Bar
on Saturday at half past two –
we’ll promenade the boulevard
like gentlefolk are wont to do.  

I’d write messages on buses
with my fingers in the dust
or the carts collecting rubbish
if those services weren’t cut.  

All the advertising hoardings
are dismantled from their space.
How can lovers do their courting
with no premise to deface?  

I mourn our loss of common ground
and the death of collective art,
the Internet is where you’re found  
so I ‘ve bought a phone that’s smart 

to keep abreast of modern text
and be emoticonic man,
to press Connect, Select and Next
to follow you on Instagram.

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Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: My Space Or Yours  

Post by Colm Roe » Fri Nov 27, 2020 8:18 pm

I'm not a fan of rhyming poems. But I love the title...nice pun :)
I did enjoy the read.
Think there should be a comma after 'barren' in S1.

All the advertising hoardings two ings snagged for me.
are dismantled from their space.
How can lovers do their courting I'd have used a little poetic licence here with 'courtings'
with no premise to deface?

A fun and pertinent poem :)

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: My Space Or Yours  

Post by Dave » Mon Nov 30, 2020 1:31 am

I agree with Colm a great little title, an enjoyable read with unobtrusive rhymes. The message is not one that interests me - always seems slightly weird to go a website to bemoan the web but anyway, it is fun.
Dave
 

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Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 3179
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: My Space Or Yours  

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Wed Dec 23, 2020 3:03 pm

Penguin --

Love this poem. Your meter is sufficiently consistent to be its own reward and amply supports the rhyme scheme. This is so much harder than you make it look.

Substantively, the tongue-in-cheek narrative is a delight.

Excellent poeming.

T

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