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American Paragraph

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Dansinger
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American Paragraph

Post by Dansinger » Mon Oct 19, 2020 3:21 pm

Remember that thread on MWC, where we were writing Kerouac haikus, and American Sentences? And then, somehow, the American Paragraph was born. I think Sio did that.

I hadn't been writing poetry in ages, but after finishing the first draft of my novel, I figured I should write some poetry again. I wanted to keep it short and simple. Anyway, somehow I ended up writing an American Paragraph today. :)

=====

the street I used to walk is longer now the trees no longer blossom
black muddy puddles stare at me, disdain dripping from cold ghoulish eyes
from grey skies drizzle tears in dreary succession, soaking through my clothes
I cycle on, skin wet and clammy, my sight obscured, cursing the wind

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: American Paragraph

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Mon Oct 19, 2020 4:24 pm

Hey Dansinger --

Wow. Welcome back. Really good to see your post, and of course, its byline. :D

I saw the thread title - American Paragraph -- and recall exactly what you describe -- we were playing with the American Sentence, and the gifted and prolific Siobhan [invented and then] wrote The American Paragraph (several times, she did, as I recall).

Congratulations on completing the first draft of your novel. I am verily impressed, and you should feel very good about it. Please post a thumbnail description when you get a chance -- I am really curious.

I like this poem, even the descriptors.
How does line 2 look to you if it is moved to the line #4 slot, with the 3 & 4 moving up to 2 & 3? Just a thought.

Cheers.

T

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Dansinger
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Re: American Paragraph

Post by Dansinger » Tue Oct 20, 2020 1:05 am

Thank you, T!

Just trying your suggestion out here, to see how it looks.

=====

the street I used to walk is longer now the trees no longer blossom
from grey skies drizzle tears in dreary succession, soaking through my clothes
I cycle on, skin wet and clammy, my sight obscured, cursing the wind
black muddy puddles stare at me, disdain dripping from cold ghoulish eyes

=====

I think I like it better that way. I did feel yesterday as if I should add a line after L4, because it felt incomplete. This seems to solve that problem - and without adding anything. :)

I was also playing with the idea of maybe using the first half of L1 as a refrain, and add a couple more stanzas. I may or may not do that.

As for the novel, I'm posting chapters over here: https://elvencurse.wordpress.com/

It's a fantasy novel, set in a world similar to our own, but with magic, dragons, and travel between worlds.

Dave
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Re: American Paragraph

Post by Dave » Thu Oct 22, 2020 2:47 am

Nice to see a poem from you here Dansinger, the first of many I hope.
I enjoyed the poem, though do wonder if Sio came up with it, why it is an American paragraph and what that even means. But anyway. While I like the paragraph, it could be distilled somewhat I more I think. In line 1 the word 'longer' is repeated but without great effect. You could remove 'from' in line 2 and dreary is just that but for me superfluous. If you are soaked then you are wet and clammy so I am not sure the repetition is adding anything - maybe it does but I am not sure. perhaps you might want to rethink that. The puddles end up being black, cold and ghoulish, which is perhaps one modifer too many. Besides do ghouls look cold?

Thansk for the poem
Dave
 

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Dansinger
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Re: American Paragraph

Post by Dansinger » Thu Oct 22, 2020 4:31 am

Thank you, Dave.

The American Paragraph is a MWC invention. It all started out with a thread where Tracy shared the rules for the American Sentence (Allen Ginsberg), and the Kerouac Haiku (Jack Kerouac), and invited us to share our American Sentences and Kerouacs. It was great fun, and some quite nice little poems saw the light of day there.

Then Sio came up with a series of American Sentences that, strung together, formed what we promptly started calling the American Paragraph. A poem consisting of several American Sentences strung together. And yet, each of those sentences should (ideally) be a poem in its own right.

Re. your suggestions, I see what you mean, but the American Sentence consists of 17 syllables. So I cannot just ditch those words. Some more tinkering is called for, I believe. :)

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: American Paragraph

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Thu Oct 22, 2020 4:39 pm

Here is the ancient thread on My Writer's Circle site, for anyone who may find it of interest. Discussion of the American Paragraph picks up at page 6 or so.


Thread - My Writer's Circle

indar
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Re: American Paragraph

Post by indar » Thu Nov 19, 2020 9:17 am

I just looked at the link Tracy posted on this thread to the original MWC discussion of and submissions to the American paragraph and had a flashback to those days of greatness--there was magic in that circle.

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: American Paragraph

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Thu Nov 19, 2020 9:50 am

Image

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