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Alone

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Alone

Post by Dave » Thu Oct 01, 2020 10:08 am

Our red armchair                                                                                                                                  sofa for two, coffee table,
glasses still milky with drink.

Several long strides would take me
to the window’s panorama of traffic,
shops and cafes, flurry of motion

I remove my glasses, wipe                                                                                                                  them clean, ponder distance.
 

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Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Alone

Post by Colm Roe » Thu Oct 01, 2020 7:31 pm

Sad without being maudlin.
S1 sets it up well. S2 seems to imply the N's awareness of 'all life' going on...within reach...but
he's retreated from any hope of enjoying life again.
The images in S3 are especially poignant in their brevity.
Not sure that 'long' adds to the poem; but I might have missed the meaning.
Very nice read though.

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Gyppo
Posts: 1340
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2018 3:28 pm
Location: UK

Re: Alone

Post by Gyppo » Sat Oct 03, 2020 5:55 am

Dave, 

The sense of isolation is palpable, and the window stands in well for the invisible barrier of loss between the narrator and the rest of the world.  A writer could waste a thousand words trying to convey that gulf, or alternatively capture it in a few.

I think the 'long'  is a useful metaphor to replace the missing thousand words ;-)  Had it not been there I wouldn't have sensed a gap in the flow, but in my opinion to take it out now would remove something useful.  A subtle but far-reaching reinforcement of the surround words.   Long strides imply either extra effort, or perhaps a greater unwillingness to start that journey.

Gyppo
I've been writing ever since I realised I could.  Storytelling since I started talking.  Poetry however comes and goes  ;-)

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Alone

Post by Matty11 » Fri Oct 09, 2020 12:36 pm

                                                                                                         
Like it Dave. Cleanly written, unfussy. The ending conveys a palpable sense of paralysis. Stasis for a title? I'd cut flurry of motion.

best

Phil

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Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 3180
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: Alone

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Thu Oct 22, 2020 4:20 pm

Stark, engaging.
I agree w/Phil on flurry of motion.

T

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Dansinger
Posts: 865
Joined: Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:29 am

Re: Alone

Post by Dansinger » Thu Oct 22, 2020 4:27 pm

Paints the picture quite well.
As Colm already mentioned, I think you could lose long.

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