Senses sing
round and round fingertips their music vibrates
within trees.
Consciousness
carves water memories
into rock and out
beyond cell walls
wends and weaves
among dried leaves
greys clouds while blue silences reefs.
Songbirds chant seeds
and other hopes
a baby hand opens to the future.
Clusters of dust
rise and fall with passing footfalls
the sun drawn
day by day into their shadow
Welcome to The Tangled Branch! Join us.
The song within
The song within
Last edited by Dave on Fri Oct 09, 2020 8:24 am, edited 6 times in total.
Re: Meaning
Life in its many facets. I enjoyed it mostly, but the separated words felt a bit too forced/contrived...I'm not a big fan of using devices, shapes and forms in poetry.
It is a really pleasant poem to read and re-read; in fact it's such a sensory poem I find myself almost absorbing it.
It is a really pleasant poem to read and re-read; in fact it's such a sensory poem I find myself almost absorbing it.
Re: Meaning
The word separation is a blip in the formatting not my intention and seems in particular a feature of the mobile phone page. Here there are a couple of place where there is indentation but in edit mode the indentation is not there. I too am not a fan of shapes etc.
Thanks for the positive response to the poem Colm. Tried to make it as sensory as opposed to meaningful ´, ha ha given the title, as possible.
Dave
Thanks for the positive response to the poem Colm. Tried to make it as sensory as opposed to meaningful ´, ha ha given the title, as possible.
Dave
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3179
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Meaning
Hi Dave,
This is really an engaging poem. The vowel repeats in the middle of the poem bring it to life -- trees/memories/weaves/leaves/reefs/seeds. This is pleasingly followed by fall/footfall and the consonant repeats in the last stanza -- the d's -- dust/drawn/day/day/shadow.
The poem brings all of the senses to life. That's why my brain keeps wanting to read the first line as "Senses sing", but I understand that doesn't play off the title as you might want.
"Its" in S.1 L.3 and S.3 L.3 should be examined. The first refers to sense's music? The music of sense vibrates in trees? It is a nice image. If the first line were to become "Senses sing", then "its" could be deleted and your image becomes larger, in my view, coextensive with the N's singing senses - or in fact, those of the reader. The second 'its' refers to a baby. "He" or "she" is gentler, and more appropriate, in my view.
I am not sold on the title, nor on the end-line punctuation.
That said, it is a wonderful poem, and the closing stanza is gorgeous!
T
This is really an engaging poem. The vowel repeats in the middle of the poem bring it to life -- trees/memories/weaves/leaves/reefs/seeds. This is pleasingly followed by fall/footfall and the consonant repeats in the last stanza -- the d's -- dust/drawn/day/day/shadow.
The poem brings all of the senses to life. That's why my brain keeps wanting to read the first line as "Senses sing", but I understand that doesn't play off the title as you might want.
"Its" in S.1 L.3 and S.3 L.3 should be examined. The first refers to sense's music? The music of sense vibrates in trees? It is a nice image. If the first line were to become "Senses sing", then "its" could be deleted and your image becomes larger, in my view, coextensive with the N's singing senses - or in fact, those of the reader. The second 'its' refers to a baby. "He" or "she" is gentler, and more appropriate, in my view.
I am not sold on the title, nor on the end-line punctuation.
That said, it is a wonderful poem, and the closing stanza is gorgeous!
T
Re: The song within
Thanks Tracy
I have responded to your thoughtful comments with what I hope are improvments.
Dave
I have responded to your thoughtful comments with what I hope are improvments.
Dave
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3179
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: The song within
Love the revision, Dave. An excellent poem.