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The song within

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

The song within

Post by Dave » Fri Aug 28, 2020 5:37 am

Senses sing 
round and round fingertips                                                                                                                their music vibrates
within trees.

Consciousness
carves water memories
into rock and out
beyond cell walls
wends and weaves
among dried leaves
greys clouds                                                                                                                                      while blue silences reefs.

Songbirds chant seeds
and other hopes
a baby hand                                                                                                                                        opens to the future.

Clusters of dust
rise and fall                                                                                                                                        with passing footfalls
the sun drawn
day by day                                                                                                                                        into their shadow                                                                                                                                                    
Last edited by Dave on Fri Oct 09, 2020 8:24 am, edited 6 times in total.

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Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Meaning

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Aug 29, 2020 7:46 pm

Life in its many facets. I enjoyed it mostly, but the separated words felt a bit too forced/contrived...I'm not a big fan of using devices, shapes and forms in poetry.
It is a really pleasant poem to read and re-read; in fact it's such a sensory poem I find myself almost absorbing it.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Meaning

Post by Dave » Sun Aug 30, 2020 3:45 am

The word separation is a blip in the formatting not my intention and seems in particular a feature of the mobile phone page. Here there are a couple of place where there is indentation but in edit mode the indentation is not there. I too am not a fan of shapes etc.
Thanks for the positive response to the poem Colm. Tried to make it as sensory as opposed to meaningful ´, ha ha given the title, as possible.
Dave
 

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Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 3179
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: Meaning

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Tue Oct 06, 2020 12:08 pm

Hi Dave,

This is really an engaging poem. The vowel repeats in the middle of the poem bring it to life -- trees/memories/weaves/leaves/reefs/seeds. This is pleasingly followed by fall/footfall and the consonant repeats in the last stanza -- the d's -- dust/drawn/day/day/shadow.

The poem brings all of the senses to life. That's why my brain keeps wanting to read the first line as "Senses sing", but I understand that doesn't play off the title as you might want.

"Its" in S.1 L.3 and S.3 L.3 should be examined. The first refers to sense's music? The music of sense vibrates in trees? It is a nice image. If the first line were to become "Senses sing", then "its" could be deleted and your image becomes larger, in my view, coextensive with the N's singing senses - or in fact, those of the reader. The second 'its' refers to a baby. "He" or "she" is gentler, and more appropriate, in my view.

I am not sold on the title, nor on the end-line punctuation.

That said, it is a wonderful poem, and the closing stanza is gorgeous!

T

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: The song within

Post by Dave » Wed Oct 07, 2020 10:18 am

Thanks Tracy
I have responded to your thoughtful comments with what I hope are improvments.

Dave

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Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 3179
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: The song within

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Thu Oct 08, 2020 12:21 pm

Love the revision, Dave. An excellent poem.

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