Aphantasia

[Colm Roe]

My mind's dpi drops off even the poorest scale.
10 would be a miracle
and one a victory.

Frank is still in there, somewhere in the black/red fuzz
that is my inner eye, if I care to search.
He's been bounced around for decades,
reluctant neurons move him on.

This unwelcome visitor
hasn't really taken hold,
he exists
as a bad police photofit from the seventies
seen through veil
on a dark night.

My mind only reads braille,
words and thoughts, are
painted by numbers.

I used to paint by numbers.
Coloured blank spaces, careful
not to cross the lines.

I watched cartoons in those early years,
believed without thinking
my parents would protect me
from everything,
and didn't know the other reason for a penis.

His face faced mine so many times,
smiling
as he went about his business,
close enough to feel his breath

and afterwards

it twisted
and wrapped
truth into a shameful thing.

Frank connects occasionally,
when he drifts close to a blank space
I colour him in for fun,
or hold him, trapped
between the lines

to feel my breath
on him.

[Tracy Mitchell]

Good Lord, Colm.

The scope and intimacy of this poem are breathtaking.
The self-knowledge, self-exploration are deep.

I likely have this wrong, but it seems that 'Frank" is an amalgam of several. Google tells me that it is Francis Galton, but I think that is not all of it. There is a sense that Frank is in part the N's father - the one who smiled at N, going about his business, and the person who ultimately couldn't protect N.

I also think that in some sense 'Frank' is the N, or N's alter-ego. N's vision of himself which he colors to solid - not a voluntary thing, but observable nonetheless.

I will definitely be back to this one.

A gem.

T

[Colm Roe]

Thanks Tracy.
One problem might be giving him a name. I sometimes google when I see a name, thinking it's a deliberate clue to a famous or infamous person. Frank was a paedophile.
I removed a line from an earlier draft:

and didn't know the other reason for a penis.
but he did,
his face faced mine so many times,
smiling
as he went about his business,

Maybe I should have left it in.

I also think that in some sense 'Frank' is the N, or N's alter-ego You're not altogether incorrect here Tracy. You've picked up on something I've come to understand about this 'situation'. I have spent some amount of time thinking about it, and from every angle; eventually I reached a stage where I put myself in his shoes and could feel real empathy for him. So it's not a typical 'I hate that bastard' rant type poem. You're quite a perceptive reader because you seemed to get a sense of that, and how that process continued to bring our lives even closer as the years/decades passed.

[Tracy Mitchell]

Yeah, that's an important line for the readers. I can see now how I could have made the right deductions, but adding that line adds to the clarity of the presentation. This is really a remarkable poem is so many ways.

T

[indar]

So Colm--- you said not long ago you are just getting back to writing. I don't know what happened in the interim but holy smokes!!! 

First read-through I got that Frank was someone who greatly impacted the N's life. I can't rave enough about the ways in which you make that clear--neurons acting like muscle memory for instance. Franks influence is so well drawn (pun), so ambiguous and mysteriously dark I, the reader, felt compelled to reread and search for clues. I can't imagine, now that you've said it, how I missed the pedophile. Maybe because I am distracted by current events. I think the "but Frank did" line would not dispel one of my guesses that Frank was a contemporary who was just getting into the "experimental stage" slightly ahead of the N. Perhaps referencing his age or adulthood might help the most.

Perhaps it could be introduced at the time of the parent's inability to save the N it could be mentioned that Frank is a contemporary of theirs. 

There is so much to this one I will revisit many times. The end asks to be explored:

 Frank connects occasionally,
when he drifts close to a blank space
I colour him in for fun,
or hold him, trapped
between the lines

to feel my breath

on him.

I could believe either way,the N keeps Frank alive in ways that are unhealthy or the N, by holding him trapped and feeling the N's breath means he has managed to resolve the trauma. 

I can't tell you how moved I am by this writing, 













 

[Tracy Mitchell]

I read the ending as a victory for N, as he has turned the tables, figuratively, and torments the tormentor, so to speak. By the end of the poem, N is not a victim, appears not to be traumatized, and seems to be in control.

I agree with Indar as to the heft of this poem.

T

[Colm Roe]

Tracy & Linda, thank you for your advice and appreciation.
I have to admit I spent a bit more time on this than anything I've written before.
The title is important of course; my inability to picture anything (my mind's eye is completely blind)
is one of the reasons I haven't been severely affected by the events...there's always a silver lining!

[samwhool]

colm this is unbelievable. I was in instagram land only reading of sob love and guilt in a matter of a few lines. It's refreshing to read something of substance! To read something with so many feelings coupled into a page. The end leaves for so much to be explored and i welcome that. I'll continue to think about this one. WELL done. 

[Dave]

Hi Colm
It took me a while to find a way into this and it only really became clear for me when I read your explanation. At first reading, it muddled my mind jumping around as it did - though I was open to this reflecting the content. Now it unfolds its layers like an onion, peeling away to reveal various shades of the same experience.
I do have a question about two of the lines and whether perhaps they contradict each other:
namely the first one that refers to the diminished dpi (the definition of which is dots per inch) and the fact that the N says he only reads braille (which is made up of dots).

Your poeming, as Indar said, is gathering depth and sophistication with each poem. Impressive.

[ajduclos]

Colm - really awesome and loaded write.  One pass through and it seemed clear to me..............  the depth, the awareness.   Speaks so clearly of times past and times present.  Well written.

Be well.

Aj