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Steps, revisited

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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ajduclos
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Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Steps, revisited

Post by ajduclos » Mon Mar 02, 2020 12:35 pm

Heavy Steps  

You can see it in her steps, in her pace, her shoulder's dip
you can see it in her face, in her eyes, the line of her lip 

It is there in every breath, in that hitch, that heavy sigh
it is there in every pause, in that glance, that wordless why 

You can see it over there, in her way, that empty chair
you can see beneath her shawl, squint of brow, that empty stare 

This sunless day in her home, in her space, so all alone
this sunless day she must try, not to cry, muffle the moan 

     Yesterday, or is it longer, she knew, in her heart, the words to say
     yesterday, hard to remember, she felt, in her soul, sunlight at play—
     no sunrise today  

It is there in every breath, in that hitch, that heavy sigh
it is there in every pause, in that glance, that wordless why 

You can see it in her steps, in her pace, her shoulder's dip
you can see it in her face, in her eyes, the line of her lip—
the weight of her loss  

 

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Colm Roe
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Steps, revisited

Post by Colm Roe » Mon Mar 02, 2020 7:44 pm

Hi Aj,
Very much lyrics here, especially with the repeating stanzas and rhyming.
Still quite cliched. If it was mine I'd attack it from a different angle. E.g.


S2
It weighs in her breath and sighs,
a ballast of lead in every pause, glance
and wordless 'why?'

S4
Heavy clouds diffuse the light,
remove even more of what's left of her.
A lone shadow, once defined, now
lost and absorbed, hidden
somewhere in carpet fibres...a sodden remnant.

ajduclos
Posts: 1746
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Re: Steps, revisited

Post by ajduclos » Tue Mar 03, 2020 5:16 am

Hi Colm !!!

I'd hoped you'd chime in.  This was an attempt at a poetic from called "Modern Ballad", to which I naturally added a songwriter's favorite weapon of a "bridge'... so, you are quite correct, lyrics.  And if you must know, the music is already written  :)

I was inviting the reader into a scene, a place, and a specific time, a day, her lonely pain... hoping the reader could see and feel.

Your interpretations of S2 and S4 are wonderful.  Maybe, as an exercise, I'll try to take each stanza and rewrite them in a free form style, no rhyme, rhythm or structure - probably be painful for me to attempt :lol:

Thanks, Colm.

Aj   

ajduclos
Posts: 1746
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Re: Steps, revisited

Post by ajduclos » Tue Mar 03, 2020 5:37 am

Hey Colm - 

P.S.   At least this write is not "wordy" and "telling" - so there's some hope here, eh what?  :lol:

P.S.S.   Yes, it has structure... but I'm starting to suspect that some of the folk here on TB could use a little structure  :lol: ;)

Aj

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Colm Roe
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Re: Steps, revisited

Post by Colm Roe » Tue Mar 03, 2020 8:09 pm

[quote=ajduclos post_id=9704 time=1583237817 user_id=220

I'd hoped you'd chime in.  This was an attempt at a poetic from called "Modern Ballad", to which I naturally added a songwriter's favorite weapon of a "bridge'
I'm not a fan of any form. But I see the attraction of the bridge, and reversing the repeated stanzas.

Maybe, as an exercise, I'll try to take each stanza and rewrite them in a free form style, no rhyme, rhythm or structure - probably be painful for me to attempt :lol:
Your (rhyming) memory muscles are huge! You're ripped! Every neuron in your brain threatens to self-euthanase
if you even think about
leaving out
cos there is no doubt
regardless of Colm's shout
(he suffers from gout)
and needs a clout
the man's a lout
with too big a mouth
that says nought
sometimes with a pout
but he's from the South
oh the lies those lips tout
when he's out and ubout :lol:
his output voltage (vout)
strains to trickle without
a good feed of xouts :lol: :lol: :lol:
cooked slow over a yout

OK THAT'S ME DONE.

Another reason why I don't like rhyme is (more often than not) I already know what I'm about to read...because the next line has to finish with one of only a few words that'll fit!
 
[/quote]

Matty11
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Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Steps, revisited

Post by Matty11 » Thu Mar 05, 2020 5:52 am

Enjoyed the rhythms. On the edit side, maybe cut the last line, and use the title loss to frame a context.

best

Phil

ajduclos
Posts: 1746
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Re: Steps, revisited

Post by ajduclos » Fri Mar 06, 2020 10:09 am

Colm, thanks again.  Yes, my brain works in rhymes and rhythms... heck, sometimes when I'm out walking I even find myself counting steps ( don't tell the men in the white coats !!!).  But I have written free form and will again, good to practice and exercise the brain.  At least my prose is not filled with rhyme (not too filled) ;)

I like your suggestion, Phil.  I had struggled to come up with a title that suited it - Loss may just be it.  Thanks.

Aj 

Dave
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Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Steps, revisited

Post by Dave » Sat Mar 07, 2020 12:59 am

There is not much to add that is new. Clearly these work as lyrics rather as poetry and work better I am sure. They flow really well and carry the message easily and fluently. However, as pointed out they lose a lot in depth and personality being rather generic and the fluency makes the message a bit bland. The repetition works better in song too, since here in poetic form I see no real reason as a reader to go through them again although the intended effect is clear enough and technically it is clever.
It is enjoyable though to see how another sensibility works and to read what it produces. You do it well.
Dave
 

ajduclos
Posts: 1746
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Re: Steps, revisited

Post by ajduclos » Sat Mar 07, 2020 6:25 am

Thanks Dave -

Yes, these lines work well as lyrics, given the stated form of this write is "Modern Ballad", a poetic form. 

If it is bland it is because it is ballad, a story, not meant for intellectual dissection or filled with subtle hidden meanings.  It was meant to paint a clear and hopefully a searing picture of a moment in time observing a women's pain from her loss. 

The repetition is certainly a ballad/song feature.  It opens and brings to a close the scene.  It would work well in a Coffee Shop reading or through the bard of old singing on the street corner.

I guess I do bring "another sensibility" to TB.  I write simply and usually from the gut.  I'm pleased that you and many others take the time to comment on and critique my writings.

Ok, time for walk in the snow.... then back to writing. 

Aj     
        

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