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stillness after massacre

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Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

stillness after massacre

Post by Dave » Tue Feb 25, 2020 10:30 am

Stillness 100 years after a Massacre

Nothing stirs.
Not even colour.

Every grain of earth
black and white.

Bony shouldered trees
flank a dumb brook

for all the world
like Christians

at prayer.

 
Last edited by Dave on Tue Feb 25, 2020 10:52 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Tracy Mitchell
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: stillness after massacre

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Tue Feb 25, 2020 10:48 am

Somber and poignant, Dave.  
The title defines the poem.

But in the end, I think 'redemption's hymn' is asked to carry too much water.  Christians who wait for redemption's hymn -- I take this to mean something like solace ascribed to religious creed which is hollow, false and/or insufficient.  This makes the closing line too heavy handed, too dramatic, too expected.  

I get the poem and it works, but redoing this passage could result in a substantial upgrade.  

Just my view.

Cheers.

T
 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: stillness after massacre

Post by Dave » Tue Feb 25, 2020 10:53 am

Hi Tracy
Wow that was fast. Not sure how to amend as you suggest but will think it over. In the meantime redemption is gone.

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: stillness after massacre

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Tue Feb 25, 2020 11:00 am

The poem builds directly to that stick point, and I don't know how to advise.  Sorry, just reciting my impressions.

You recall how fast Sparky could turn around a poem comment?  I have no idea how he did that consistently in lightning speed.

Cheers.

T

Matty11
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Re: stillness after massacre

Post by Matty11 » Wed Feb 26, 2020 4:32 am

Good one Dave, especially the closing sentence, which could be the poem itself.

best

Phil

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: stillness after massacre

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Wed Feb 26, 2020 7:36 am

A stunning revision, Dave.  Love it.

T

indar
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Re: stillness after massacre

Post by indar » Wed Feb 26, 2020 8:03 am

Having not seen the original I will just say "stunning poem". How an event can forever alter the landscape in human perception. And then that sense of waiting. Love the ironic ending---the prayerfulness "like" that of Christians. We the readers might not know to which massacre this refers but we might be able to guess who was involved in some way or another.

poet-e
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Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 3:10 pm

Re: stillness after massacre

Post by poet-e » Fri Feb 28, 2020 10:31 am

Love the imagery it ends with.

Curious which Massacre...

ajduclos
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Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Re: stillness after massacre

Post by ajduclos » Fri Feb 28, 2020 6:27 pm

Dave -
Like others, I have not seen the original.  But I'm taken with the sparseness that says so very very much, leads the reader to so much more.

Aj
 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: stillness after massacre

Post by Dave » Tue Mar 03, 2020 9:47 am

I am loath to reference the source for the poem as the photo is so much more powerful than the poem but here is the link and the massacre was Campaspe in Australia 1839

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