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Aspen Sisters
Posted: Thu Jan 16, 2020 12:58 pm
by Tracy Mitchell
~
Aspen Sisters
After the natural arrival-day frolic and chaos
of family reunion week died down,
and grandmother-sisters, their flocks abated,
grand-babes bathed and tucked and sung to,
the pajama-clad sisters billeted themselves
in a back bedroom, cross-legged on a queen bed,
buzzed and bantered, recalled and reminisced,
laughed, lauded, and re-bonded deep into the night.
Before their country school days even started,
they’d been quarantined for chicken pox together
in a shed behind the house. . . like chickens.
Kids and Grandkids said that’s why they talked, thought
alike, and laughed at the same things in the same way.
In the years before each left for their adult lives
they shared a bed, food, a rotation of small abodes, and
a single-parent mother hell-bent on raising them right.
Their strawberry blonde hair swirled when they were
together, as if it were a single burgeoning mass of leaves.
The way each stood straight and tall their entire lives, they
seemed forever like a glorious stand of aspens in early October.
Re: Aspen Sisters
Posted: Thu Jan 16, 2020 1:07 pm
by Trish Saunders
I read this at a gallop, the lines fell so well, then returned for a slower read to absorb it all. I like this. The ending, in particular, comparing the girls' hair to a grove of quaking aspen, is beautifully done.
Re: Aspen Sisters
Posted: Thu Jan 16, 2020 7:10 pm
by Colm Roe
the pajama-clad sisters billeted themselves................................pyjama?
Before their country school days even started,
they’d been quarantined for chicken pox together
in a shed behind the house. . . like chickens. .....................Ellipsis helps...but the 'chicken' repeat??? OK...maybe???
Kids and Grandkids said that’s why they talked, thought...................... No cap on grandkids.
alike, and laughed at the same things in the same way.
Their strawberry blonde hair swirled when they were
together, as if it were a single burgeoning mass of leaves..................I still don't get the awkward pause created by placing 'together' here?
instead of directly after 'were'?
It's unusually prosey for you Tracy.
But it's an incredibly lovely and vastly endearing poem.
Re: Aspen Sisters
Posted: Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:24 pm
by Matty11
Yes, lovely write T. So heart-warming I feel you could cut from the separateness of observatonal simile to direct metaphor:
Their strawberry blonde hair swirled when they were
together, as if it were a single burgeoning mass of leaves.
The way each stood straight and tall their entire lives, they
seemed forever a glorious stand of aspens in early October.
You don't need the
together in S3
best
Phil
Re: Aspen Sisters
Posted: Fri Jan 17, 2020 9:22 am
by Tim J Brennan
Tracy Mitchell wrote: ↑Thu Jan 16, 2020 12:58 pm
~
Aspen Sisters
After the natural arrival-day frolic and chaos
of family reunion week died down,
and grandmother-sisters, their flocks abated,
grand-babes bathed and tucked and sung to,
the pajama-clad sisters billeted themselves
in a back bedroom, cross-legged on a queen bed,
buzzed and bantered, recalled and reminisced,
laughed, lauded, and re-bonded deep into the night.
Before their country school days even started,
they’d been quarantined for chicken pox together
in a shed behind the house. . . like chickens.
Kids and Grandkids said that’s why they talked, thought
alike, and laughed at the same things in the same way.
d
In the years before each left for their adult lives
they shared a bed, food, a rotation of small abodes, and
a single-parent mother hell-bent on raising them right.
Their strawberry blonde hair swirled when they were
together, as if it were a single burgeoning mass of leaves.
The way each stood straight and tall their entire lives, they
seemed forever like a glorious stand of aspens in early October.
Thoughts:
Can two trees be a stand of trees?
Maybe drop "for chicken pox"...quarantined will give you the disease, coupled w/ "like chickens"...okay to let the reader think a bit. It's almost said like a joke anyway.
S2: same logic here. You use pajama clad and follow that up with two uses of bed, following this by another use of bed in S4. I get it.
Last S: entire lives & forever is redundant.
Love the use of alliteration in spots. The details are minute and spot-on. I enjoyed this. I have two older sisters (not twins) but to me, they seemed like it.
Re: Aspen Sisters
Posted: Fri Jan 17, 2020 12:43 pm
by indar
On the first read the sonics swept me off my feet. Such harmony of sound accentuates the harmonious scene you have created with this warm, wonderful write that fills this reader with longing.
Re: Aspen Sisters
Posted: Sat Jan 18, 2020 11:32 am
by Colm Roe
Forgot to say how perfect the title is...aspen being separate trees with shared roots
Re: Aspen Sisters
Posted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 1:48 pm
by Trish Saunders
Back for a second read! I love the title, Tracy, and the whole poem -- but after second reading, I think it would be improved if you start out with the second stanza? That's really where the poem begins, for me.
Also, I would replace back bedroom with back room, to avoid repetition of "bed" twice in one line. Very enjoyable read.
Re: Aspen Sisters
Posted: Fri Feb 07, 2020 10:20 am
by Tracy Mitchell
Thanks for the wonderful feedback. There are so many helpful comments. You guys are really good at this.
Trish – you are right, S.1 is scene-setting only. Good comment. The poem doesn’t suffer by deleting it. And you are right about the repetition of bed. Good cure you suggest. Thanks for yur careful read.
Colm – google says pyjama is the Brit spelling and pajama is the [correct] spelling.
I like your other suggestions. Thanks for your kind comments.
Phil – your points are also well taken. I like the suggestions.
Tim – it doesn’t say, but there are 4 sisters. Good comments re: S2 – yes revisions are on the way. I can clean us the last stanza as you suggest as wll.
Indar – thanks for your reading and kind comments.
Here is the painting which prompted the poem:
