It's a tiny thing, but in S2, L4 , I couldn't help but want "wood" in place of "woods", after the close proximity of "crumbs". Maybe?
Makes me want to book a flight to Italy post haste
Much enjoyed
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Big Orange Sun
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Sharon Leigh
- Posts: 379
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:07 am
- Location: Midwest US
Re: Big Orange Sun
Hi Trish, what a treat to read your work here on TTB! I found this captivating, it does instill an urge to seize the day for certain. I enjoy the tone here, not disdainful but instead pensive, with a yearning for life. The title and opening image warm the entire poem, for me, creating a strong sense of vitality and hope which informs the rest of the piece.
It's a tiny thing, but in S2, L4 , I couldn't help but want "wood" in place of "woods", after the close proximity of "crumbs". Maybe?
Makes me want to book a flight to Italy post haste
Much enjoyed
It's a tiny thing, but in S2, L4 , I couldn't help but want "wood" in place of "woods", after the close proximity of "crumbs". Maybe?
Makes me want to book a flight to Italy post haste
Much enjoyed
"well for a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time" - Keane
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Trish Saunders
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Mon Jan 22, 2018 5:05 pm
Re: Big Orange Sun
Hi Indar, I appreciate all of the fb I've received, it's amazing how much trouble people have gone to and I'm putting it to use. Thank you especially for the advice re: verbs. I"m also rethinking the title. I love Italy (as who does not?) and hope to return to spend a year in so in Rome. (It may be just a dream. Going to try.) I appreciate the warm welcome.
Warm regards,
Trish
Warm regards,
Trish
Last edited by Trish Saunders on Fri Jan 17, 2020 7:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Trish Saunders
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Mon Jan 22, 2018 5:05 pm
Re: Big Orange Sun
Hi, Sharon; I've received very useful feedback on this poem, including yours, and I'm putting it to use. Thanks for the advice re: woods. I think you're right about that. Warm regards,
Trish
Trish
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Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3392
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Big Orange Sun
Hi Trish,
I'm late to comment, but have been reading the poem since it was posted. The opening line recalls "Please Come to Boston", and parts of "Four Strong Winds". Here, the imperative is to live life, best said in this choice line: Leave them. Take the Bullet to Pompeii.
The ardent cadavers are suggestive of the exquisite corpse / exquisite cadaver of the surrealists. I believe it was a parlor game of sorts.
The bread crumbs are a wonderful simile, as I imagine furry things gobbling them, making the way back impossible -- lost as the years slide back. And lost like Hanzel and Gretel. I am not sure about the bread crumbs being "wet". Striking, but maybe not helpful. Just a thought.
I am also wondering if "in the city of dust" is needed. I know what Tom Reardon might say.
Wonderful poem, Trish.
Cheers.
T
I'm late to comment, but have been reading the poem since it was posted. The opening line recalls "Please Come to Boston", and parts of "Four Strong Winds". Here, the imperative is to live life, best said in this choice line: Leave them. Take the Bullet to Pompeii.
The ardent cadavers are suggestive of the exquisite corpse / exquisite cadaver of the surrealists. I believe it was a parlor game of sorts.
The bread crumbs are a wonderful simile, as I imagine furry things gobbling them, making the way back impossible -- lost as the years slide back. And lost like Hanzel and Gretel. I am not sure about the bread crumbs being "wet". Striking, but maybe not helpful. Just a thought.
I am also wondering if "in the city of dust" is needed. I know what Tom Reardon might say.
Wonderful poem, Trish.
Cheers.
T