The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Their voices fall against the window,
a sort of violence of words; words hit
steamed glass, echo

and strike the couple separated by floor tile.
He, skeletal, robed, moves to a door almost
haunted, hunted, a rolled newspaper

in his hand. On the other side of the room,
she listens hard, face like a clock dial.

From the television, ten o’clock news
growls, muffles his under-the-breath

fuck you, girl

the roll slap of the newspaper
into his calloused palm.

Very nice portrait. The details are well chosen. Thanks!

Effectively done Tim. Particularly the pent up aggression in the rolled up newspaper as if to swat a fly.

Best

Phil

Like this, Tim, well crafted.

T

Thanks for the comments, but needed to make some edits. Hard to slap the newspaper into the palm w/a glass of water in his hand

 

I'm glad you took that bit out.  The 'slapstick comedy' moment didn't set well amongst the rest.  I did a 'theatrical walk-through' to see if I was reading it correctly.

Lots of words there which add to the mood of pending violence.

An excellent study, its all there in its gritty glory. Always enjoy your pen, never over-written, but focused in the best way. I didn't see it pre-edit but as it stands now it's powerfully ended on the tactile slap of paper in calloused palm. Bravo

Unlike the others I struggle to visualize some of this. The voices falling against the window - for me fall implies from above. Yet I fail to see how that would work. Moreover I can't relate the fall of the words to the violence of the words. Could be me of course. Fall is not powerful enough a word to produce the violence.
Separated by floor tile - produces similar problems of visualization for me - does it mean they sit on opposite ends of the room - something we are told anyway. Or is there a wall between them?

I don't like the repetitions but that's is a personal preference.
The fuck you, girl  despite the latent aggression feels like another poem.

Anyway provides a great deal of intensity for so few words.
Dave
 

Dave wrote: ↑

Tue Jan 14, 2020 1:13 pm

Unlike the others I struggle to visualize some of this. The voices falling against the window - for me fall implies from above. Yet I fail to see how that would work. Moreover I can't relate the fall of the words to the violence of the words. Could be me of course. Fall is not powerful enough a word to produce the violence.
Separated by floor tile - produces similar problems of visualization for me - does it mean they sit on opposite ends of the room - something we are told anyway. Or is there a wall between them?

I don't like the repetitions but that's is a personal preference.
The fuck you, girl  despite the latent aggression feels like another poem.

Anyway provides a great deal of intensity for so few words.
Dave
 

I'll take intensity, Dave. Thanks.
 

Gyppo wrote: ↑

Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:34 am

I'm glad you took that bit out.  The 'slapstick comedy' moment didn't set well amongst the rest.  I did a 'theatrical walk-through' to see if I was reading it correctly.

Lots of words there which add to the mood of pending violence.

Me, too (glad I took it out). Thanks for the words of encouragement.