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Neighbors
Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2020 9:13 am
by Tim J Brennan
Their voices fall against the window,
a sort of violence of words; words hit
steamed glass, echo
and strike the couple separated by floor tile.
He, skeletal, robed, moves to a door almost
haunted, hunted, a rolled newspaper
in his hand. On the other side of the room,
she listens hard, face like a clock dial.
From the television, ten o’clock news
growls, muffles his under-the-breath
fuck you, girl
the roll slap of the newspaper
into his calloused palm.
Re: Neighbors
Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2020 12:06 pm
by Wren Tuatha
Very nice portrait. The details are well chosen. Thanks!
Re: Neighbors
Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2020 1:22 pm
by Matty11
Effectively done Tim. Particularly the pent up aggression in the rolled up newspaper as if to swat a fly.
Best
Phil
Re: Neighbors
Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2020 7:15 pm
by Tracy Mitchell
Like this, Tim, well crafted.
T
Re: Neighbors
Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:41 pm
by Tim J Brennan
Thanks for the comments, but needed to make some edits. Hard to slap the newspaper into the palm w/a glass of water in his hand
Re: Neighbors
Posted: Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:34 am
by Gyppo
I'm glad you took that bit out. The 'slapstick comedy' moment didn't set well amongst the rest. I did a 'theatrical walk-through' to see if I was reading it correctly.
Lots of words there which add to the mood of pending violence.
Re: Neighbors
Posted: Mon Jan 13, 2020 5:37 pm
by Sharon Leigh
An excellent study, its all there in its gritty glory. Always enjoy your pen, never over-written, but focused in the best way. I didn't see it pre-edit but as it stands now it's powerfully ended on the tactile slap of paper in calloused palm. Bravo
Re: Neighbors
Posted: Tue Jan 14, 2020 1:13 pm
by Dave
Unlike the others I struggle to visualize some of this. The voices falling against the window - for me fall implies from above. Yet I fail to see how that would work. Moreover I can't relate the fall of the words to the violence of the words. Could be me of course. Fall is not powerful enough a word to produce the violence.
Separated by floor tile - produces similar problems of visualization for me - does it mean they sit on opposite ends of the room - something we are told anyway. Or is there a wall between them?
I don't like the repetitions but that's is a personal preference.
The fuck you, girl despite the latent aggression feels like another poem.
Anyway provides a great deal of intensity for so few words.
Dave
Re: Neighbors
Posted: Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:25 pm
by Tim J Brennan
Dave wrote: ↑Tue Jan 14, 2020 1:13 pm
Unlike the others I struggle to visualize some of this. The voices falling against the window - for me fall implies from above. Yet I fail to see how that would work. Moreover I can't relate the fall of the words to the violence of the words. Could be me of course. Fall is not powerful enough a word to produce the violence.
Separated by floor tile - produces similar problems of visualization for me - does it mean they sit on opposite ends of the room - something we are told anyway. Or is there a wall between them?
I don't like the repetitions but that's is a personal preference.
The fuck you, girl despite the latent aggression feels like another poem.
Anyway provides a great deal of intensity for so few words.
Dave
I'll take intensity, Dave. Thanks.
Re: Neighbors
Posted: Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:26 pm
by Tim J Brennan
Gyppo wrote: ↑Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:34 am
I'm glad you took that bit out. The 'slapstick comedy' moment didn't set well amongst the rest. I did a 'theatrical walk-through' to see if I was reading it correctly.
Lots of words there which add to the mood of pending violence.
Me, too (glad I took it out). Thanks for the words of encouragement.