The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

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Chaser Cairn 

Perchance 
our sight bends past 
people holding to us 
like the gravity of dead stars.
Tonight.

Of course
we have held on
to less, for longer, but
seldom have we held to better.
This tight.

A wind 
blows soft into 
cupped hands, to make a sound-- 
mourning doves above the clearing.
First light.

The stream 
sounds unending 
melt high in the mountains,
reluctantly descending toward
twilight.

We make 
piece-work progress
you and I, toward mirrored
bits of sky catching our mothing
in sight.

 

google Martin Lake Journal, Tracy, and consider submitting this one (or others of yours I'm sure would qualify). 

Tim

Thanks Tim, will do.

T

Lots of 'ings' here. I know it's suggested by many to reduce/eliminate them.
But I'd hate for them to become an endangered species.
I didn't mind them...but the penultimate line's 'ings' snagged my read.
On the up side I discovered a new word Mothing...what a fantastically visual word!
The poem is a treat. S1 instructs, and sets up the whole thing so well. It's like being
handed a map, being told where we are going.
The following stanzas are lovely. Sad, but you write with such a light touch it's like
been taken aside by someone to be told really bad news...but we accept it because although we
knew it...we just needed to be told by the right person.
It's such a fab poem. And not a typical Tracy poem!
Great to see you posting here again.

I hear you on the "-ings".   There are a lot.  And yes, some are acceptable I agree. 
I thought I'd get by with the ending/descending rhyme.  Mourning & clearing are givens, maybe, but not in the same line. 

The penultimate line - how's this revision for producing jagged sounds:  "bits of sky which catch our mothing" -- I think I like it.      I wish Sio was here.

Thanks so much Colm.

Cheers.

T




 

'that catch' instead of 'which catch'?

Yes, done

How very beautiful, Tracy. So much contained within. I like Colm's suggestion "that catch" in the final stanza, since the assonance is gently pretty imo and it still keeps to your syllable count. What lovely poeming, a delight. 

Neatly chained T. Particularly liked people holding to us/like the gravity of dead stars. and that striving toward mirrored bits of sky. 

best

Phil

Thanks so much, Sharon and Matty Phil. 

I appreciate your reading and commenting.

T