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On Loon Lake, 1983

Posted: Sun Dec 01, 2019 3:26 am
by Sharon Leigh
That summer we are leggy colts
skin tinted warm sarsasparilla
clattering as mustangs
on the cusp of July
none of us yet
driving
so

the boys
pedal bikes and
we are light as cirrus
perched upon handlebars
like tousled blonde ornaments
fueled by youth and leaving trails 
of laughter. We weave our way to the lake

where a wooden raft bobs on winking water,
lapped by slapping waves. We leap
like acrobats from the hot deck
to deep green cold below,
come up again for air
beneath dripping
slats, in shadow
where your
eyes

are wide
in early surprise
the shade of hydrilla
finding mine, finding me.
We tread water effortless as
mallards, and I never will forget it:
your lips, warm as butter in the kiss.
The private, vestal kiss beside the creaking
chains, the scent of lakeweed. Breathless, detonating.

Re: On Loon Lake, 1983

Posted: Sun Dec 01, 2019 3:47 am
by Colm Roe
WOW, just wonderful, it captures everything.
I'm way, way past my bedtime...but I'll be back. 
 

Re: On Loon Lake, 1983

Posted: Sun Dec 01, 2019 10:30 am
by Gyppo
Welcome back, Sharon.

You weren't just remembering, you were re-living, weren't you?  It came across as being in the present moment.
 
This is an incredibly visual word picture, right from the opening lines.

'leggy colts', 'clattering as mustangs', 'on the cusp'.  All of them have an instant image.

The fearless use of hyperbole, as in the phrase  'light as cirrus'.  And the 'tousled blonde ornaments' shouts of self-awareness but no hang-ups.

Magical imagery.

I realise this is a 'shaped' poem, but was totally unaware of this during the first headlong reading.
 
Gyppo
 

Re: On Loon Lake, 1983

Posted: Sun Dec 01, 2019 5:16 pm
by Sharon Leigh
Thanks Colm, Gyppo...

Gyp, yes it's a genuine memory. I wrote this in the reliving, so it's voiced broad and over-sweet as a 15 year old girl might. I neither did it justice nor dissected, just let it come as it may. I could examine it as 50-something Sharon and really condense/refine it, sharpen image and focus etc. But I'm loathe to, its tone might harden. It's had many revisions already of course, and this is where it's landed as yet :)

As for the format/shape, that's something that happened as I wrote so I went with it. Not sure it adds anything, not married to it so it might go, I haven't decided. My thanks again for looking in!

Re: On Loon Lake, 1983

Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2019 1:19 am
by ajduclos
Ahhhh, Sharon... youthful happenings, and the memories of such..........  it's a sweet walk back through time - a very clear and sensitive write,  about a hot day, the heat and the moment........

Aj

Re: On Loon Lake, 1983

Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2019 3:04 am
by Colm Roe
Sharon Leigh wrote:
Sun Dec 01, 2019 5:16 pm
Thanks Colm, Gyppo...

Gyp, yes it's a genuine memory. I wrote this in the reliving, so it's voiced broad and over-sweet as a 15 year old girl might. I neither did it justice nor dissected, just let it come as it may. I could examine it as 50-something Sharon and really condense/refine it, sharpen image and focus etc. But I'm loathe to, its tone might harden. It's had many revisions already of course, and this is where it's landed as yet :)

As for the format/shape, that's something that happened as I wrote so I went with it. Not sure it adds anything, not married to it so it might go, I haven't decided. My thanks again for looking in!
I hear YOU writing as both participant and observer. When it's a real event you tend to marry both voices; and you've done that beautifully here. It's a vastly engaging poem, and definitely not too 'sweet'. You have a real talent for writing instantly accessible poetry that reaches high in the terms of artistry...it's a wonderful gift that obviously comes naturally.
I'm not fond of shaped poems, but it works with this one.
And the last two lines...finishing with 'detonating'...Wow!
 

Re: On Loon Lake, 1983

Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2019 9:41 pm
by Dave
If ever a poem fitted he quotation underneath it, this is it. The poem is beautifully paced and yet it pulls the reader along with a subliminal urgency. Good art whether films, poems or books provide stories that feel inevitable but manage to illuminate the events uniquely. This poem does that. There is hardly a doubt where it is heading and yet continuously turns of phrase rise fresh and buoyant. This is beautiful writing and makes reading such a real pleasure. Thank you Sharon

Re: On Loon Lake, 1983

Posted: Tue Dec 03, 2019 3:40 am
by Matty11
Hi Sharron,

A seductive, refreshing write, both artless and artful.

very much enjoyed reading and re-reading

best

Phil

Re: On Loon Lake, 1983

Posted: Tue Dec 03, 2019 3:59 pm
by Sharon Leigh
Aj, thank you for saying so 😊

Colm, again my thanks, and I'm so glad the ending works! I do appreciate your feedback, it truly helps.

Dave, thanks a million for your kind words here for the poem, reader experience is so valuable to me... So glad it isn't boring, I'd feared it might be! 😁

Hi Phil, all my thanks! I appreciate your looking in

Re: On Loon Lake, 1983

Posted: Sat Dec 28, 2019 8:00 pm
by Tracy Mitchell
Oh my, Sharon -- this is marvelous.  As to the form, my vote is don't mess with it -- it has the perfect feel of a quadruple etheree.  I've written several doubles, but never a quad, and never one like this.  :)

From the first line, "leggy colts", your descriptives are strong, fresh, wonderful - "cusp of July", "tousled blonde ornaments",  "winking water" etc.  

The poem ends with making the last word a performative word -- the word is 'detonate' and it most certainly detonates.  The poem puts me right there in the experience.  Not like the experience of being kissed by a guy, you know what i mean - the enervating first wave, which you present so well.

I think I don't have enough good adjectives for this, but you get my point.

Cheers, & don't be a stranger.

T