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sign language

Posted: Fri Nov 29, 2019 7:21 am
by Dave
Sign language

Flesh crumbles
beneath flaked bark
along the promenade.

Gulls stumble 
the scarred water line
in search of crabs.

Voices mumble
prayers of the stranded
on this drought shore.

Numbered wheels
spun to a halt here
long before the final
pennies dropped
and the croupiers
dealt loaded cards
to the lost.

The golden T remains
leaning like Pisa's tower
towards the destitute waves.

Re: sign language

Posted: Fri Nov 29, 2019 7:13 pm
by Colm Roe
Very nice Dave. 
Excellent imagery, and a clever title.
S4 might be stronger by omitting the first two 'the's.
 

Re: sign language

Posted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:30 pm
by Sharon Leigh
Hi Dave :)

A very fine write! I love the texture of the opening stanza, a perfect setting for establishing atmosphere for the reader straight off. This has your characteristic measured tone and pace, which spotlights its imagery and message perfectly. Your careful use of internal rhyme is just gorgeous here. It has the effect of the reader experiencing the poem as a painting, of sorts. Lovely

Re: sign language

Posted: Thu Jan 02, 2020 12:03 pm
by Tracy Mitchell
Trump Casino, Atlantic City?  

Very nice writing, Dave.  I like the echoing first line for three stanzas, and then getting down to it.

Yes --  ". . .and the croupiers / dealt loaded cards / to the lost."  The heart of it in these lines, though the gulls in search of crabs suggest happier and more prosperous times.  :roll: :roll:

Always a pleasure to read your poetry, Dave.

Cheers.

T

Re: sign language

Posted: Tue Jan 07, 2020 8:33 pm
by Deb
Dave,

You've done a beautiful job of cleverly weaving the drought theme. I enjoyed this and will return to read it again. I wonder if leaving out, "the" in the last line would give it a punch. Just a thought. It works fine as it is. 

You've painted a colorfully, somber image. Wonderful writing.

~Deb

 

Re: sign language

Posted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 3:20 am
by Deb
Deb wrote:
Tue Jan 07, 2020 8:33 pm
Dave,

You've done a beautiful job of cleverly weaving the drought theme in a decaying environment. I enjoyed this and will return to read it again. I wonder if leaving out, "the" in the last line would give it a bigger punch. Just a thought. It works fine as it is. 

You've painted a colorfully, somber image. Wonderful writing.

~Deb