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sign language

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Dave
Posts: 610
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

sign language

Post by Dave » Fri Nov 29, 2019 2:21 pm

Sign language

Flesh crumbles
beneath flaked bark
along the promenade.

Gulls stumble 
the scarred water line
in search of crabs.

Voices mumble
prayers of the stranded
on this drought shore.

Numbered wheels
spun to a halt here
long before the final
pennies dropped
and the croupiers
dealt loaded cards
to the lost.

The golden T remains
leaning like Pisa's tower
towards the destitute waves.

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Colm Roe
Posts: 992
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:45 am

Re: sign language

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Nov 30, 2019 2:13 am

Very nice Dave. 
Excellent imagery, and a clever title.
S4 might be stronger by omitting the first two 'the's.
 

Sharon Leigh
Posts: 223
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:07 am
Location: Midwest US

Re: sign language

Post by Sharon Leigh » Sun Dec 01, 2019 1:30 am

Hi Dave :)

A very fine write! I love the texture of the opening stanza, a perfect setting for establishing atmosphere for the reader straight off. This has your characteristic measured tone and pace, which spotlights its imagery and message perfectly. Your careful use of internal rhyme is just gorgeous here. It has the effect of the reader experiencing the poem as a painting, of sorts. Lovely
"This creature of the poem may assemble itself into a being with its own centrifugal force."-- Sharon Olds

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: sign language

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Thu Jan 02, 2020 7:03 pm

Trump Casino, Atlantic City?  

Very nice writing, Dave.  I like the echoing first line for three stanzas, and then getting down to it.

Yes --  ". . .and the croupiers / dealt loaded cards / to the lost."  The heart of it in these lines, though the gulls in search of crabs suggest happier and more prosperous times.  :roll: :roll:

Always a pleasure to read your poetry, Dave.

Cheers.

T

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Deb
Posts: 184
Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2018 4:10 pm
Location: Southern California USA
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Re: sign language

Post by Deb » Wed Jan 08, 2020 3:33 am

Dave,

You've done a beautiful job of cleverly weaving the drought theme. I enjoyed this and will return to read it again. I wonder if leaving out, "the" in the last line would give it a punch. Just a thought. It works fine as it is. 

You've painted a colorfully, somber image. Wonderful writing.

~Deb

 

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Deb
Posts: 184
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Location: Southern California USA
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Re: sign language

Post by Deb » Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:20 am

Deb wrote:
Wed Jan 08, 2020 3:33 am
Dave,

You've done a beautiful job of cleverly weaving the drought theme in a decaying environment. I enjoyed this and will return to read it again. I wonder if leaving out, "the" in the last line would give it a bigger punch. Just a thought. It works fine as it is. 

You've painted a colorfully, somber image. Wonderful writing.

~Deb

 

 

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