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Re: Silence

Posted: Fri Nov 29, 2019 12:07 am
by Matty11
Enjoyed this AT. The L1 imperative grabs the reader and the subsequent phrasing and reflection keeps the reader hooked.

best

Phil

Re: Silence

Posted: Fri Nov 29, 2019 6:16 am
by Dave
To some extent I agree with Phil and to some extent not. I really liked the opening too - nice sensory language and good use of sounds with based around S and L.
But once beyond that opening the poem becomes increasingly telly and formulated around highly debatable statements. The final stanza is a bit simplistic and trite. I did not buy it at all. Too much is explained so that the actual poem loses out to the opinion.

However, as I said that opening set of lines gripped me. 

Nice to know though people's reactions can be different.

Re: Silence

Posted: Fri Nov 29, 2019 6:19 am
by Dave
Oh and the last stanza is too bouncy and restless, too dynamic to really reflect silence.

Re: Silence

Posted: Fri Nov 29, 2019 8:26 pm
by Colm Roe
The poem exists in S1. And it's a rather good stanza. The finish can be easily tidied up.
My suggested edit would be something like this...

Silence isn’t soundless. Lean in, listen
it projects an awkward energy, and hums you
to become your own audience.
Embrace it,
anchor yourself to its soundtrack.
In these moments worlds pause
to acknowledge the space of you.
Fill them, steady and slow...
it won’t last. 

Take or leave. But it resonated, and I enjoyed the read.

 

Re: Silence

Posted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:21 pm
by Sharon Leigh
Fine poeming... as others have mentioned, I too feel your poem resides in S1, with S's 2 and 3 redundant, abstract & a tiny tad preachy (to me.) Stanza one struck me right off with its fine choice of line breaks, I read and re-read and it's honestly perfect as it is, imo. Much enjoyed, and I agree with its sentiment :) 

Re: Silence

Posted: Sat Dec 28, 2019 4:08 pm
by Tracy Mitchell
The opening line is engaging and provides a nice lead-in.   You take a unique approach to the topic.    I very much like the core of this poem.  My suggestion is to consider paring out the sidetracks – stanza two, and line two of stanza three, as entertaining as they may be.  

A few adjectives may also be profitably cut.  Your goal of course is to sharpen the main thrust of this poem.

Cheers.

T