The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

If only
my mind bent
around corners

words could be cranes
balanced on roofs,

collapsed piles of leaves
would be corpses,

eggs hop down a hill
like laughter,

turtles would emerge from wet sand
crawl to the sea,
beneath hawks' sly smiles,

dive into the waves,
then tap dance to the tune
of In the Mood.
 

Turtles tap-dance once they get into their own element? That's wonderful news because, yes, their progress on land is indeed painful, laborious, exhausting. I feel so sorry for them.

I love love love the whole poem except S-1. I think S-2 is a better start with 1 word change.


if only
my mind bent
around corners

(words) could be cranes
balanced on roofs,

I
 

I can live very well with that. Thanks

In the Mood -- click here: Glen Miller - In The Mood

Turtles tapdance to this tune, underwater. What a wonderful world you create.

"eggs hop down a hill / like laughter. . . . "

Lots of life in this poem.

My only suggestion would be to consider deleting "painful". A turtle's slow waddle may look or seem painful as we imagine it. I doubt that is the turtle's experience, and the poem is not advanced by use of the adjective. Just my view.

Real fine writing, Dave.

T

Thanks Tracy. Consider painful gone. Good argument

Fantastic poem Dave.
'eggs hop down a hill' is such a wonderful and original visual.
 

Thanks Colm
Dave