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Positions
Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2019 8:03 pm
by Colm Roe
To the left a bible fiction
my right arm considers a masturbation--------------- fact
a wasting of s e e d s
a moisture of confusion, a reduction
a rethink.
to the right a new book,
blank with innocence
a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations
in the middle
my hand holds a position
hard.
Re: Positions
Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:10 am
by Tim J Brennan
...getting off on the Bible
plus all that white space.
Re: Positions
Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2019 12:36 pm
by Marc Gilbert
Colm Roe wrote: ↑Fri Jan 04, 2019 8:03 pm
To the left a bible fiction
my right arm considers a masturbation--------------- fact
a wasting of s e e d s
a moisture of confusion, a reduction
a rethink.
to the right a new book,
blank with innocence
a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations
in the middle
my hand holds a position
hard.
Cool stuff. Wasn't sure what to make of it from the first visual impression - the spacing the dashes, but they fall into place quickly upon reading. A few suggested tweaks in the form of a tinkering:
to the right a new book,
blank
with and innocence
a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or
revelations reveal <- I trust readers will make the connection even if more subtly presented.
BTW: I love the phrase "A waiting|of words" and the end is very strong. Potent poeming.
marc
Re: Positions
Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:19 pm
by Colm Roe
Tim J Brennan wrote: ↑Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:10 am
...getting off on the Bible
plus all that white space.
Getting off...not quite.
White space...just dipping my toes in the water,
Re: Positions
Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:33 pm
by Colm Roe
Marc Gilbert wrote: ↑Sat Jan 05, 2019 12:36 pm
Colm Roe wrote: ↑Fri Jan 04, 2019 8:03 pm
To the left a bible fiction
my right arm considers a masturbation--------------- fact
a wasting of s e e d s
a moisture of confusion, a reduction
a rethink.
to the right a new book,
blank with innocence
a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations
in the middle
my hand holds a position
hard.
Cool stuff. Wasn't sure what to make of it from the first visual impression - the spacing the dashes, but they fall into place quickly upon reading. A few suggested tweaks in the form of a tinkering:
to the right a new book,
blank
withand innocence
a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or
revelationsreveal <- I trust readers will make the connection even if more subtly presented.
BTW: I love the phrase "A waiting|of words" and the end is very strong. Potent poeming.
marc
Marc,
Your suggested edits don't hurt. The first works (at least) equally as well. The second is spot on...this needs attention.
Glad you liked it. I was afraid this one would fall on barren soil.
I appreciate your comments.
Re: Positions
Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2019 9:00 pm
by Tim J Brennan
Colm Roe wrote: ↑Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:19 pm
Tim J Brennan wrote: ↑Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:10 am
...getting off on the Bible
plus all that white space.
Getting off...not quite.
White space...just dipping my toes in the water,
Yeah, but you were thinking about it
Re: Positions
Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 4:20 pm
by Marc Gilbert
Colm Roe wrote: ↑Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:33 pm
Marc Gilbert wrote: ↑Sat Jan 05, 2019 12:36 pm
Colm Roe wrote: ↑Fri Jan 04, 2019 8:03 pm
To the left a bible fiction
my right arm considers a masturbation--------------- fact
a wasting of s e e d s
a moisture of confusion, a reduction
a rethink.
to the right a new book,
blank with innocence
a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations
in the middle
my hand holds a position
hard.
Cool stuff. Wasn't sure what to make of it from the first visual impression - the spacing the dashes, but they fall into place quickly upon reading. A few suggested tweaks in the form of a tinkering:
to the right a new book,
blank
withand innocence
a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or
revelationsreveal <- I trust readers will make the connection even if more subtly presented.
BTW: I love the phrase "A waiting|of words" and the end is very strong. Potent poeming.
marc
Marc,
Your suggested edits don't hurt. The first works (at least) equally as well. The second is spot on...this needs attention.
Glad you liked it. I was afraid this one would fall on barren soil.
I appreciate your comments.
Cool beans. The first suggestion is not a big one. Like the consonance of the additional "n" sound offered by "and'.
Re: Positions
Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 6:17 pm
by Granda
Love the poem for it's words. Not so fond of the spacing. Personally I think the poem's words should carry the grandeur of the meaning. Not how you space it. But that's just me and my own opinion. As ever, other opinions are available.
Re: Positions
Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 6:58 pm
by Colm Roe
Marc Gilbert wrote: ↑Sun Jan 06, 2019 4:20 pm
Cool beans. The first suggestion is not a big one. Like the consonance of the additional "n" sound offered by "and'.
Kinda agree, and think a comma after 'blank'? Or 'blank' on a separate line?
Re: Positions
Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 7:02 pm
by Colm Roe
Granda wrote: ↑Sun Jan 06, 2019 6:17 pm
Love the poem for it's words. Not so fond of the spacing. Personally I think the poem's words should carry the grandeur of the meaning. Not how you space it. But that's just me and my own opinion. As ever, other opinions are available.
Hi and welcome Granda (Bri),
The format was an experiment I probably won't repeat
Glad you liked the essence
Regards
drab