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Positions

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Colm Roe
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Positions

Post by Colm Roe » Fri Jan 04, 2019 8:03 pm

To the left a bible             fiction

my right arm considers a masturbation--------------- fact
a wasting of            s    e     e      d      s

a moisture of confusion, a reduction

a rethink. 

to the right a new book,
blank with innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations

in the middle
my hand holds a position 

hard.
 

 

Tim J Brennan

Re: Positions

Post by Tim J Brennan » Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:10 am

...getting off on the Bible  :?  plus all that white space.

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Marc Gilbert
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Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:02 am
Location: Chicago, USA
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Re: Positions

Post by Marc Gilbert » Sat Jan 05, 2019 12:36 pm

Colm Roe wrote:
Fri Jan 04, 2019 8:03 pm
To the left a bible             fiction

my right arm considers a masturbation--------------- fact
a wasting of            s    e     e      d      s

a moisture of confusion, a reduction

a rethink. 

to the right a new book,
blank with innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations

in the middle
my hand holds a position 

hard.
 

 

Cool stuff. Wasn't sure what to make of it from the first visual impression - the spacing the dashes, but they fall into place quickly upon reading. A few suggested tweaks in the form of a tinkering:

to the right a new book,
blank with and innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations reveal <- I trust readers will make the connection even if more subtly presented.

BTW: I love the phrase "A waiting|of words" and the end is very strong. Potent poeming.

marc


 
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

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Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Positions

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:19 pm

Tim J Brennan wrote:
Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:10 am
...getting off on the Bible  :?  plus all that white space.

Getting off...not quite.
White space...just dipping my toes in the water,

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Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Positions

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:33 pm

Marc Gilbert wrote:
Sat Jan 05, 2019 12:36 pm
Colm Roe wrote:
Fri Jan 04, 2019 8:03 pm
To the left a bible             fiction

my right arm considers a masturbation--------------- fact
a wasting of            s    e     e      d      s

a moisture of confusion, a reduction

a rethink. 

to the right a new book,
blank with innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations

in the middle
my hand holds a position 

hard.
 

Cool stuff. Wasn't sure what to make of it from the first visual impression - the spacing the dashes, but they fall into place quickly upon reading. A few suggested tweaks in the form of a tinkering:

to the right a new book,
blank withand innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelationsreveal <- I trust readers will make the connection even if more subtly presented.

BTW: I love the phrase "A waiting|of words" and the end is very strong. Potent poeming.

marc


  
Marc,
Your suggested edits don't hurt. The first works (at least) equally as well. The second is spot on...this needs attention.
Glad you liked it. I was afraid this one would fall on barren soil. 
I appreciate your comments.
 

Tim J Brennan

Re: Positions

Post by Tim J Brennan » Sat Jan 05, 2019 9:00 pm

Colm Roe wrote:
Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:19 pm
Tim J Brennan wrote:
Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:10 am
...getting off on the Bible  :?  plus all that white space.

Getting off...not quite.
White space...just dipping my toes in the water, 
Yeah, but you were thinking about it ;) 
 

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Marc Gilbert
Posts: 145
Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:02 am
Location: Chicago, USA
Contact:

Re: Positions

Post by Marc Gilbert » Sun Jan 06, 2019 4:20 pm

Colm Roe wrote:
Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:33 pm
Marc Gilbert wrote:
Sat Jan 05, 2019 12:36 pm
Colm Roe wrote:
Fri Jan 04, 2019 8:03 pm
To the left a bible             fiction

my right arm considers a masturbation--------------- fact
a wasting of            s    e     e      d      s

a moisture of confusion, a reduction

a rethink. 

to the right a new book,
blank with innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelations

in the middle
my hand holds a position 

hard.

Cool stuff. Wasn't sure what to make of it from the first visual impression - the spacing the dashes, but they fall into place quickly upon reading. A few suggested tweaks in the form of a tinkering:

to the right a new book,
blank withand innocence

a waiting
of words that don't hurt
or revelationsreveal <- I trust readers will make the connection even if more subtly presented.

BTW: I love the phrase "A waiting|of words" and the end is very strong. Potent poeming.

marc
  
Marc,
Your suggested edits don't hurt. The first works (at least) equally as well. The second is spot on...this needs attention.
Glad you liked it. I was afraid this one would fall on barren soil. 
I appreciate your comments.
  

Cool beans. The first suggestion is not a big one. Like the consonance of the additional "n" sound offered by "and'. :P
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Granda
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 5:48 pm

Re: Positions

Post by Granda » Sun Jan 06, 2019 6:17 pm

Love the poem for it's words. Not so fond of the spacing. Personally I think the poem's words should carry the grandeur of the meaning. Not how you space it. But that's just me and my own opinion. As ever, other opinions are available. 

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Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Positions

Post by Colm Roe » Sun Jan 06, 2019 6:58 pm

Marc Gilbert wrote:
Sun Jan 06, 2019 4:20 pm
Colm Roe wrote:
Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:33 pm
 

Cool beans. The first suggestion is not a big one. Like the consonance of the additional "n" sound offered by "and'. :P 
Kinda agree, and think a comma after 'blank'? Or 'blank' on a separate line?
 

User avatar
Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Positions

Post by Colm Roe » Sun Jan 06, 2019 7:02 pm

Granda wrote:
Sun Jan 06, 2019 6:17 pm
Love the poem for it's words. Not so fond of the spacing. Personally I think the poem's words should carry the grandeur of the meaning. Not how you space it. But that's just me and my own opinion. As ever, other opinions are available. 
Hi and welcome Granda (Bri),
The format was an experiment I probably won't repeat  :)
Glad you liked the essence  :)
Regards
drab
 

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