Sky smiles,
Land gleams,
A black-carpet
road welcomes,
Trees march,
Mary's bus floats,
Snow kisses her cheeks,
It blooms smile in her lips
She counts the trees by fingers,
Her eyes stick the sight,
The scenery caress her heart
Her hands cling the window
The bus reached her house,
She falls asleep in cradle
Where mom sings lullaby
Her bus day fills her dreams
Welcome to The Tangled Branch! Join us.
Travel of little Mary
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Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3392
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Travel of little Mary
Hi Julie,
The continuous use of one sentence/ phrase per line is a very strict pattern to follow and I think would be more effective with significantly fewer lines. I do like the suggestion of an elementary reader.
I think the writing would appear cleaner if you decide the syntax of the lines and sentences. I don't think the ebullient use of commas fits the narrative, and conflicts with the pattern of first-word capitalizations.
The grammar should be rechecked in lines 8, 11, 12, and the tense in line 13.
I like the light, the snow kissing her cheek, and the bus floating. These details help your story come alive.
Cheers.
T
The continuous use of one sentence/ phrase per line is a very strict pattern to follow and I think would be more effective with significantly fewer lines. I do like the suggestion of an elementary reader.
I think the writing would appear cleaner if you decide the syntax of the lines and sentences. I don't think the ebullient use of commas fits the narrative, and conflicts with the pattern of first-word capitalizations.
The grammar should be rechecked in lines 8, 11, 12, and the tense in line 13.
I like the light, the snow kissing her cheek, and the bus floating. These details help your story come alive.
Cheers.
T
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Julie James
- Posts: 22
- Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2018 12:06 am
Re: Travel of little Mary
Hi Tracy,
Thanks for your precious review. I'll make the corrections based on your suggestions.
Thanks for your precious review. I'll make the corrections based on your suggestions.
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Marc Gilbert
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:02 am
- Location: Chicago, USA
- Contact:
Re: Travel of little Mary
I really like the idea of this poem. I would consider the current version a draft and keep at it.
A few thoughts:
Lines 3 & 4:
A black-carpet
road welcomes, -> the explicit naming of the road as such dilutes the metaphor.
Consider consolidating the thoughts/images of the trees. I love the marching, the counting on fingers, and her eye sticking the sight. The mention of stick recalls the trees wonderfully.
If mine, I'd mention the snow after the bus ride and attendant tree images are completed along with the lovely image of the snow blooming a smile of her lips.
The pleasant outdoor images segue nicely to indoor images of mom, cradle, and home. I'd also make the cradle wooden, to act as a kind of glue between the two worlds.
Hope this makes sense. This is a very pretty poem. Definitely worth some extra effort.
marc
A few thoughts:
Lines 3 & 4:
A black-carpet
road welcomes, -> the explicit naming of the road as such dilutes the metaphor.
Consider consolidating the thoughts/images of the trees. I love the marching, the counting on fingers, and her eye sticking the sight. The mention of stick recalls the trees wonderfully.
If mine, I'd mention the snow after the bus ride and attendant tree images are completed along with the lovely image of the snow blooming a smile of her lips.
The pleasant outdoor images segue nicely to indoor images of mom, cradle, and home. I'd also make the cradle wooden, to act as a kind of glue between the two worlds.
Hope this makes sense. This is a very pretty poem. Definitely worth some extra effort.
marc
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery
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Julie James
- Posts: 22
- Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2018 12:06 am
Re: Travel of little Mary
Hi Marc,
Thank you so much for your precious comment on my poem.
Thank you so much for your precious comment on my poem.