There is Evening and There is Morning

Tim J Brennan · Post by **Tim J Brennan** » Fri Dec 28, 2018 12:39 pm

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

Post by **Marc Gilbert** » Fri Dec 28, 2018 1:38 pm

Most enjoyable. The Breaks in S4 & S5 nag at me a bit, but no real idea why.

Tim J Brennan · Post by **Tim J Brennan** » Fri Dec 28, 2018 4:06 pm

Marc Gilbert wrote: ↑
Fri Dec 28, 2018 1:38 pm
Most enjoyable. The Breaks in S4 & S5 nag at me a bit, but no real idea why.

Thanks, Marc. Since it's only a nag and not an ouch, I think I'll leave things.

Post by **indar** » Fri Dec 28, 2018 5:12 pm

press my mouth
against

your emptiness, words
whirl like tiny wrens above saying

Come back soon and tell me

everything

Since you have a break followed by a single word that does duty in place of some other punctuation why not separate "saying":

press my mouth
against

your emptiness, words
whirl like tiny wrens above

saying

Come back soon and tell me
everything

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Fri Dec 28, 2018 8:09 pm

Nice one Tim. Wrens are tiny so I found the adjective redundant.

best

Phil

Tim J Brennan · Post by **Tim J Brennan** » Sat Dec 29, 2018 8:04 am

Thank you, Indar & Phil...

I like what you're both saying / suggesting. Made some edits.

Post by **Tracy Mitchell** » Sat Dec 29, 2018 1:05 pm

Touching, Tim. Love the imagery.

For what it's worth, I'd revisit "When I am lonely". That is the ambiance of the poem and in my view, does not need to be explicitly stated. It carries so well to the ending.

Cheers.

T

Tim J Brennan · Post by **Tim J Brennan** » Sun Dec 30, 2018 3:59 pm

Tracy Mitchell wrote: ↑
Sat Dec 29, 2018 1:05 pm
Touching, Tim. Love the imagery.

For what it's worth, I'd revisit "When I am lonely". That is the ambiance of the poem and in my view, does not need to be explicitly stated. It carries so well to the ending.

Cheers.

T

Agree. Thank you.

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